Test Dummies

So, I think I'm going to be putting together a book in the next few months, so that way you can carry around my words of wisdom in your pocket, and re-gift them 3 months later to your mother in law for her birthday. I'm trying to get my publisher to agree to a starting price of 1,000.00 per book, but he seems to think it's more reasonable to start at 7.99. Whatever, like he knows anything.

So I had a small request of you, if you feel the desire, to try out my test workout, which can be done at multiple stages during the book to test your overall fitness level, and how you've been progressing.  Give this a shot, and post your times to the comments if you wouldn't mind.

Just a word of advice, If you've never done anything like this before, don't try to kill yourself by doing it in 5 minutes. Take your time, and if this takes you the better part of an hour, that's totally ok. Take the amount of rest you want to, have a pina colada in between exercises, I don't care. Let me know if you man up and get it done though. If you don't have a pullup bar and can only do the other exercises, no prolem, leave them out. This is just a test.

50 total walking lunges
35 pushups
20 jumping pullups
20 burpees
30 total hands-to-elbows (plank position to pushup position. 15 each side)
10 narrow stance jumps
10 wide stance jumps
30 bodyweight squats hands overhead.


Ratings are below, and include equivalent characters from the Harry Potter movie series.

60+ min: Neville Longbottom in the first movie
45-60 min: Hagrid
35-45 min: The guys that Malfoy is always hanging out with
25-35 min: Dobby the elf
15-25 min: Picachu
10-15 min: Ron Weasly (as played by Wesley Snipes)
5-10 min: Dragons.

Choose Pain

OK, here's the deal. And this time it's the real deal, not that fake deal I told you about a while ago. You're doing everything wrong. And I do everything right. Except writing cursive and throwing lawn darts. I can't write straight because I always have so much caffeine in my system that my appendages shake uncontrollably.

Lucky for you, I'm benevolent and merciful and I have a sweet website you can read over and over again. If you subscribe, I'll hook you up with my introductory package, which includes a stick of deodorant that I was given as a gift, vegetables, and slew of derogatory/motivational phrases which I wrote on on a pack of post-it notes that I stole from my last job. Before any of you get all high and mighty about theft in the workplace, I'll have you know that they had been stealing bits and pieces of my soul since day one, and that subtly taking office supplies was a far cry from the worst thing I did while I was there.

There were a few positive things about working at this wretched tortuous environment though. I  developed a keener than normal sense of hearing, and that other sense that some people have that allows them to be aware of someone staring at them from across the room. This was not in the Bear Grylls sense of being aware, but in the sense that I had just edited my bosses face onto a picture of dinosaur in MS paint, and needed to be aware of any prying eyes. I also learned the art of forging official documents (yea right CPR card), and printing my resume out on the main printer.

But I digress.

I learned a very important lesson last week when I got a new tattoo on my neck. The lesson didn't come when I was finished with the portrait of a centaur wielding Thor's hammer, but rather a few days later, when I had forgotten about  the excruciating pain that I had been put through for 4 hours, and started contemplating finishing the tattoo on my back of the ghost pirate ship attacking an army of dragons in tanks.

Note: Not this kind of centaur.

Had I not learned my lesson? What was it about tiny needles stabbing my skin over and over again that I was able to forget so easily?


That's because the human brain has an inability to remember the sensation of pain. Whether it's slamming your finger in the car door, your 'fight' club' party, or a hangover, we as humans forget very easily what feeling bad feels like.


This is just a evolutionary safeguard so that the human race does not die out. I am not a doctor, and don't know anything really, but I'm not sure how many women would opt for labor a second time if they could bring up an acute memory of the sensation of giving birth.


What does this mean for you? First of all, it means that tattoo shops and suppliers aren't going anywhere, so you might as well buy stock in Unimax. Secondly, what it means is that you should not be afraid to challenge yourself to do things that might cause you pain. Obviously, I'm not talking about the pain of being run over by a car. Leave that to guys  from Jackass, whom I assume have no memory whatsoever.



But during your workouts, and in your life, we often get to a point where whatever were doing at the time is causing a deep burning pain that makes us very, very uncomfortable. If we realize that this pain is in our heads, and we wont even be able to recall it in 20 minutes, we can push past our plateaus and barriers and accomplish the goals we set for ourselves.

Same goes for eating. We don't recall the very natural sensation of being hungry, yet we as Americans have a deep fear of going 4 hours without eating. You don't need to be full all the time. Skip the cake next time and embrace the pain of a slight craving. One week later, I promise you wont regret it.

If we never press past our comfort zone, we'll never progress in the things we want to. Whether you're looking to lose weight, gain muscle, get fit, or just stay healthy, there will always be a point where you've "had enough" and want to stop, take it back a notch, call it a day, whatever. At this point, it's very important to draw upon the power of the centaur tattoo, and smash the barriers that hold you back with the hammer of Thor.

 

Note: That last sentence was almost as corny as this actual movie. My deepest apologies go out to anyone who actually saw Thor, and was offended by this post.

Pectoral Jihad.

Do you want big pecs? Do you want a lot of friends? Do you want to make men envious at the beach and women halfway accepting of your overused flying-catch football pick up technique? Try this workout and feel the burn.

This method is called pre-fatigue, and is a staple in the workouts of older lifters and strong bodybuilders everywhere. The idea is that by working your muscles with a small, or assistance exercise prior to doing a big lift you'll recruit more muscle fibers for the big lift, thereby targeting that muscle more completely, and hitting both fast twitch and slow twitch muscle fibers. I've seen this done a variety of ways, and most people will lie to you about it's effectiveness. Don't be fooled. This does work, and it's great if you have an injury, or want to keep from getting one.

It's not just a bodybuilding technique for mass monsters with something to prove. This can be utilized by women and children of all ages to change their physique and grow stronger without fear of injury, especially around sensitive areas like the low back, knees, and shoulders.

Another big plus is that it increases the mind muscle connection, so that way when you're working a muscle, you won't just be moving weight around for the fun of it, and you wont be lifting the pink dumbbells just for something to do. If you can successfully master this technique, you'll be more in tune with what your body is comfortable with, and what you need to do to alter your body composition.

"But Nate" you say, "This is all well and good, but I didn't come to this site for science, I came to launch a holy war on my body during chest day!" Well, here you go.

Start your chest routine with a good warmup to get the blood moving. Always necessary. Then, when your shoulders are properly warmed up, go find that chest fly machine. If you don't have one, go grab an entire cable crossover and make EVERYONE at the gym wait for you. Take about 5 minutes between sets and insist that no one else can work on your machine while you're sitting. This is very important.

Kidding. About 90 seconds max rest.

Take the cable, and set it to a weight that you can do quite a few with. Now do 50 reps. At the end, your chest should be burning, BUT YOU SHOULD BE NOWHERE NEAR EXHAUSTION. If you are, you're doing it wrong, go back to the elliptical.

Rest a minute or two, then do it again. And again. And again. 4 sets of 50 is plenty if you're a stud. If you're just getting back into working out, 2-3 sets of 25-40 should be enough. Again, listen to your body. If it's telling you that it's revolting against your authority, and if you do another rep, it's going to stop letting you have access to your arms for a week, it would be wise to take it down a notch. If on the other hand, you aren't even feeling it after the first set, raise that weight.

Here's the most important part. That mind muscle connection all your friends are always talking about. When you do a rep, make sure to squeeze that muscle and engage it as best you can. This should make it significantly harder, and you might be humbled if you see this technique through to the end of the workout. You also will be pleased with your results if you continue to use you mind to work out instead of brute force. Yes, I'm talking you ladies.

So, when you finish with your light, but hellish first exercise, your chest should be feeling like it's been hydraulically pumped full of blood and battery acid. Still, you should not be tired, This is just your warm up. There's a difference between having a 'burn' or a 'pump' and having muscular fatigue and breakdown. It might take you a couple tries to get it right, but if you do it wrong, I promise you'll know.

Now that you're all set up for success, go grab a bench press, because I know you love benching. If you're really awesome, go grab some dumbbells and lie down on a bench and use those instead
4 sets of 8-12 should be plenty. Go light, you're in for a treat with how your chest feels. It might be kind of like this...

So, here it is again.
4 sets of 50 on light chest flies (high, low, cable, machine, etc. Mix it up)
4 sets of 12 on dumbbell Bench press.

That should be enough, but if you're really feeling masochistic and like you've got some more in you, find the closest piece of floor and try to knock out 100 pushups. If it takes you longer than 4 minutes, pick yourself up and either go home, or work your lower body. You've had enough.

Craft a Glorious Behind.

When I talk to a lot of women, and ask them about what they would specifically like to change about their bodies, most of the time it revolves around three problem areas; butts, guts, and legs. Here's the bad news about that. Fat stores in genetically predetermined places. If you're super unhappy with your pick in the genetic lottery, blame your parents. I mean, they take the blame for everything else in life, from the bad attitude and mohawk you were rocking in 9th grade, to your career as a copy paper salesman and your 1992 Ford Taurus. Just blame it all on mom and dad, and move on. Easy enough. The other piece of bad news for the ladies is that it's not only genetics that play into it. A big part is also gender determined. So ladies, that problem will never go away, your fat will always go right back to those hips and thighs. Sad face!

Ready for some good news! Smiley face! You're lucky because the hips and thighs have some of the largest and most powerful muscles in the body. They're your prime movers, and some of the stars include your gluteus maximus, your semimembranosus (hamstrings), and quadriceps femoris.

And even though by and large spot reduction is not possible, there are some ways of pulling fat from specific areas. Yes, this is hearsay in many fitness communities and secret health blog societies, but I'm here to educate you dear reader, even though I may burn on the same fires that consumed the shake weight and the thigh master. One of the main reasons that stubborn fat sticks around in certain areas is because of A) twinkies and B) lack of blood flow to the area.

Increase blood flow to the area, and you'll increase the rate of fat reduction from that spot.

That's all well and good, but how is it done? Well, if you're really interested in reading a lot about it, Dr. Lonnie Lowry has a great article about it here. If you want the short version and dislike the thought of being redirected to a site that features pictures of shirtless heavily muscled men lifting cars and phrases like myo-facial release, read on.

There are two keys to increasing blood flow. The first is warming the area. This can be done through bikram yoga, running/leg exercises, or something tight like compression shorts. It doesn't need to be tight to the point of cutting off circulation, and god forbid that it's as tight as Chazz (not for the easily offended or people who are not tight).

The second key to increasing blood flow is just working the muscle, causing vaso-dialation within the area you're working and causing your body to send blood and nutrients there to heal the muscles that you're ruthlessly tearing apart with your wicked wall sits and grueling goblet squats.

Boom, so that's it. Easy. An afterthought: If you continue to eat like garbage, or eat garbage itself, you will not lose fat. You will gain it. Then you will be mad at me for lying to you, when in actuality, I did not lie to you. I'm on your team here. So much so that I'm going to include a sweet workout for you to try at home today to build a beautiful bottom on your own. That's right! Plus it's only 2 easy payments of 19.95! Pay me later, it's ok.

Lunges.

Middle Position

Start/End Position

These are a great bang for your buck exercise. Whether you step out, or step back,or do them in place, DO THEM. Start with 10 if it's your first time. Make sure that you form a 90 degree angle with your front knee, and with your back knee. If you're getting any knee pain, stop what you're doing, go find a mirror and reevaluate your position. Or call me, I have magic hands, and not the magic hands that cost a quarter at seedy motels.

1-leg Hip Bridge
Lay on your back on a mat, bring your feet up and plant them near your butt, then extend your right leg out, so that it's at the same angle as your left thigh. Then, squeezing your butt and abs, lift your hips off the ground so that you're on your shoulders and right foot. Grunt and repeat.

The challenge for you today, is do 100 lunges on both of your legs, then 100 hip bridges on both legs. Do them all at once, in two sessions, 10 at a time as soon as your boss isn't looking, whatever. Just get them done. If you already worked out or have yet to do so, great! Consider it bonus points. Or make up work, depending on what you did this weekend. My lovely fiance has a rule with her students. The punishment for not doing the work, is doing the work.

Get it done.

The Greatest Workout Ever.

The title of this article might be false. Who am I to say whether one workout is better than another? For all you parents out there, it's like picking a favorite child. Not possible because they're all your favorite. (Yea right dad, I know you love Joey Schwegler more than me.)
However, I will now proceed to blow your mind and enlighten you with one of my favorite workouts, and one that you can do anytime, provided you carry dumbbells in your pockets. Now I know there is a raging debate about whether squats are good for you, or bad for you. Some fitness authorities maintain that you only need a steady diet of squats to become the leanest, most sexually powerful version of yourself that you can (See Peary Rader), while some people out there maintain that squats, while you're not looking, will sneak into your house with a baseball bat, and after destroying your knees and leaving you whimpering on the floor, they'll laugh in your face and walk out with all of your fine china. (See your pilates teacher)
Unfortunately, the reality is that Peary Rader looked like this:







And your pilates teacher most likely looks like this.







So, with that in mind, let's get a little more open minded about squatting. On the the workout.
One of the best ways I have ever found to light your metabolism on fire, get shredded, and lose that stubborn tire around your midsection is by doing a complex, or a circuit of exercises without putting the weight down in between exercises. This is especially true when doing complex movements, or exercises that use more than one joint. For example; squats! My favorite variation of squat right now is called the goblet squat. It's perfect for beginners because it forces you to keep your posture upright and your back straight. One of my favorite coaches, Dan John, has this to say:

Grab a dumbbell or kettlebell and hold it against your chest. With a kettlebell, hold the horns, but with a dumbbell just hold it vertical by the one end, like you're holding a goblet against your chest. Hence the name, "goblet squats."

Now with the weight cradled against your chest, squat down with the goal of having your elbows – which are pointed downward because you're cradling the bell – slide past the inside of your knees. It's okay to have the elbows push the knees out as you descend.

If you can sit on the toilet, you can do this movement. Now, just for now, just to start do 10 reps of these goblet squats, then instead of resting, press the weights overhead, and hold them there for 30 seconds. When the 30 seconds is up, bring the dumbbell or kettlebell back down to your chest and squat again, 10 reps.
Do this three times, see how you feel at the end. If you feel lightheaded, like throwing up, or like laying on the ground, congratulations, you're doing it right. If you don't feel like that, repeat until you do, or grab a heavier dumbbell

Just for the sake of organization, and for those of you who can barely read, but like to entertain yourself by looking at all the neat letters on this page, here's the condensed version:

Goblet Squat x 10
overhead dumbbell hold x 30 seconds
Goblet Squat x 10
overhead dumbbell hold x 30 seconds
Goblet Squat x 10
overhead dumbbell hold x 30 seconds

Go for it! Let me know how you feel when you're done.

Fitness for Dummies pt. II

If you read my previous article and successfully completed the wall sit challenge, good for you. You're the best.
Now, if you want to get really crazy, go back to the same wall, assume the same wall sit position, and double your time from yesterday. It wont be easy, but I can guarantee that it is not impossible for anyone out there.
It goes back to the mental toughness, the dedication to pursuing something that is important to you.
Now I would be completely off base to assume that everyone reading this has the drive to be a bodybuilder or athlete. But I know that the majority of the people in the US today have a need to lose weight or gain function to improve what might be a health problem, or a quality of life issue. That should be all the motivation that you need to go about making a positive change, and pursuing something that looks like fitness.
Now, hypothetically, let's say that you're there. You've decided that you want to make a change, and you're going to do it, no matter what.
Congratulations, you've taken the first step. But be careful, lest you become like those who are always "starting p90x".
First things first, you need a plan. As the proverb tells us " He who fails to plan, plans to fail, and all of his crops will burn and the Visigoths will salt the his land and take his gold" (the extended version doesn't get much secular coverage)
So make a plan that suits your life. Workout 3x per week for 1 hour. Put it into your schedule, and don't miss. This is a good start. It's not going to turn you into a chiseled greco-roman decathlete, but it's a good jumping off point. For someone who weighs 200 lbs, 1 hour of just doing the stairs is going to burn around 800 calories. Over the course of the week, this is an extra 2400 calories burned, or 9600 per month. At that rate, without changing anything else about your diet, or lifestyle, even if you continue to stay at home, watch dancing with the stars on your couch, and eat pasta with your hands, you'll lose around 3 lbs per month. Not too bad right?
Now imagine almost tripling that number by using more advanced techniques, lifting weights, eating the proper macro nutrient ratios and changing nightly habits that we all have. Sound good?
Great, I'm going to assume you answered with a resounding cry of "YES!" while leaping onto your desk chairs and causing coworkers to stare, and children to cry. This is the right amount of enthusiasm.
But, hold on just one second grasshopper, what happens if you miss a day? What about if the kids are sick? The Bachelor is on? Can't find your pants? As the infallible Michael Gerard Tyson says: "Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth". Don't let a slip up throw you off your game plan. Treat this just like you would any other appointment you have. If you're gonna have to miss it for any (good) reason, reschedule with yourself. Get your game face on and get it done next time.
I'll outline some different strategies for optimizing workouts in the next article, so you're not perpetually stuck on the elliptical next to Janice, the cougar who hasn't changed workout attire since '83, and talks on the phone to her ailing mother about her stool size, shape, and consistency.

Until next time. Do it, to earn it.