Latisimus Dorsi Jihad. The Saga Continues.

In the previous installment of the Jihad series of articles, we talked about what many men consider the only muscle on the front of the body. In this edition, we'll be talking about its counterpart in the posterior region. If you're somewhat familiar with the muscles groups of the body, and you guessed the traps, not only are you wrong, you're also bad at reading the title of the article. If you did manage to  read the title, and also know where your lats are, nice work! But no bonus points.

For those of you who are unfamiliar, this is the way your lats look if you like anatomy and science:




And this is what they look like if you like steroids:







Since becoming Dorian Yates (picture on right) is out of the question and undesirable for most people, we wont spend any time discussing the different types of steroid cycles and how to manipulate your hormones, but I will tell you how to work your lats effectively and safely, so that you can get develop a lean, muscular physique that is flattering to you figure, and makes you look like you have lifted weights before.

One of the major problems plaguing American culture in general, and gym culture in particular is ILS. Imaginary Lat Syndrome. You see it all the time, when homeboy and his crew roll into your friendly neighborhood LA Fitness, rocking white under armor shirts or tank tops that are just a bit too small, and giving the stink eye to anyone who dares disturb their 50 cent fueled reverie with a glance or a nod.

The one major way to if this epidemic would be to get rid of all of the bench presses in the gyms, but to do so would be to incite a riot of pent up testosterone that had previously been unleashed on Mondays (chest day), Wednesdays (pecs and abs) and Fridays (Chest and Bi's), so this option is out of the question.

However, I propose that there is another way out. ILS, meet your match.

Start with a set of straight arm pulldowns or pullovers. The SAP's are one of the exercise I see done incorrectly most of the time at the gym,  because most people only do half of the exercise.
Pullovers are easier to do correctly, and can be done with either a machine, or an adjustable cable. A dumbbell does not work the full range of motion. If you can't find a machine, grab an adjustable cable, put a a bench in front of it, (use a rope, or a bar), and keeping your arms straight, pull from all the way above your head to your belt line, making an arc.

End position: (no need to look behind you)
Remember, keep your arms straight the whole time.

Bonus, this exercise works your low chest and triceps also!


When you're finished with that, head over to the pullup bar, assisted pullup machine, or lat pulldown. If you can do over 20 pullups in a single set, you should be fine with the bar, if not, switch between the bar and the assisted machine, or just use the machine. If that's too much for you, you probably shouldn't be doing this program. If you're hard headed though, grab the lat pulldown machine. Make sure you take a wide grip to start, you can gradually move it in as it gets harder.  Your last set should be done in a neutral position, (palms facing each other.)

Here's where it gets tricky. Your back is stubborn, much like Lindsey Lohan's coke habit. It wont grow unless you force it. It generally takes a high number of reps per set, and a real squeeze at the end of the rep to force some growth. So these pullups will be done with a 4-0-1 rep tempo. That means a 4 second negative (going down), no pause at the bottom, then 1 second up (or as fast as possible.)
Good luck.

Next exercise is a barbell row. Steal a barbell from a bench, plant one side in a corner, and grab the narrow grip handle, stack some 25's on the end (for range of motion) and dye your hair a late 90's blonde color. Now you're ready to start.

I hope that I don't have to tell you too keep your chest up and shoulders back during ALL of these exercises. I heard someone say that the shoulders are poison to your ears. Keep them as far away as possible. Also, abs tight, knees not locked out. etc etc.

Lastly, go over to a standard cable row machine. Attach the wide handles and row as many times as you can at a weight that feels heavy. Shoot for over 35 reps with good form and a squeeze at the end. Don't be a sissy and leave early. Run over to the pullup bar as soon as you're done, grab on and hang. Don't let go. Go for as long as you can from the bottom position. This might destroy your hands and forearms, but that's OK. Long before recliners, most socialization was done hanging from tree branches, so you're just getting back to your roots.

In case you were concerned that I wasn't actually going to lay it out for you, here it is. Lat explosion:

Pullovers: 3 sets 50 reps.

Pullups: 401 tempo 4 sets of 8-10

Barbell rows: 4 sets of 12

Wide Cable rows: 1 set Max reps

Dead hang: 30 sec- 1 min

This workout shouldn't last you any longer that 4 games of Modern Warfare, or around 45 minutes. Stretch out and go home.

Worst Inventions Ever. Part I

In this edition of "Worst Inventions Ever", I'll be changing your paradigm about something that you use every day, all day, even though you're ruining your body forever because this particular invention actually despises you and your fitness goals.

This abomination of abdominal abscess, this pioneer of poor posture, this sultan of sensational slouching is called a 'chair' by many people in the world, but would be more correctly referred too as a 'corpus morsus' which is Latin for 'hunchback machine'. (no source)

Note: You shouldn't sit like this guy, mostly because you're not a criminal.

The human body was built to stand, walk, run, and stay active. By relegating ourselves to chairs for the majority of a workday, we essentially deactivate the following muscles:
Glutes
Hamstrings
Quads
Spinal Erectors
Rectus Abdominus
Internal and External Obliques
Scalenes
Low Pectorals
Low Traps
Rhomboids.

Pretty much every muscle in the elusive core that we all chase at our respective temples of fitness by doing single leg plyometric kettlebell squat thrusts on a bosu ball. Every muscle from your armpits to your knees is deactivated, or turned off while you sit.

Time for a quiz!

Do you want a six pack or nice abs?
A) No
B)Yes

Do you sit during the day?
A) Yes
B) No

If you answered A to either of these questions, you lose.

However, for those of us who have office jobs and can hardly convert to a standing desk. (a fantastic idea if you have the means) there is hope.  (not much though).

By practicing correct posture and abdominal bracing while you sit, you can alleviate some of the symptoms associated with chronic sitting.  Figure out how to stand correctly first, with your spine in a neutral position by standing up, and trying to flex all of the aforementioned muscles at the same time. Keep your back tight, chest up, butt and quads tight, and push your stomach out to engage your abs much like you were pushing out against a belt. You don't have to be straining, but there should be a good deal of tension in all your muscles.

A good litmus test for if you're doing this right is if you were to stand up in the middle of the office and do it, people would be looking at your strange, and someone would hopefully ask you if you were mad about something.

Now continue to hold that position as you sit back down. You chest should be up, shoulders down, and abs tight with your back not touching the back of your chair.

If you catch yourself slouching, snap yourself with a rubber band, because you have no right to do that. What, are you tired from your long day sitting? Negative. Stop being posture lazy and fix yourself.

We've all seen the elderly (and young) people with rounded upper backs. That's called thoracic kyphosis, and it's caused by tight chest, and a weak upper back from sitting poorly, often times in front of a desk. If you want a built in system to make sure that you don't hunch during the day, stand up straight with perfect neutral posture, and have someone put a strip of duct tape across your back, a little lower than each shoulder. You'll definitely remember to sit upright, especially if you're hairy.

Want a built in way to keep yourself from having a hunchback and shoulder problems for the rest of your life? Grab a band that's not too heavy, and with straight arms and, you guessed it, perfect neutral posture, pull the band apart, taking care to squeeze your shoulder blades together and hold it for a second.  Do this 100 times per day, and you'll have a sexy back, and even sexier posture.

For more suggestions on how to improve yourself in this arena, read this article, written by my best friend.



 If you find that you have problems with posture, or upper back mobility,  post to the comments, and I can help you improve that and improve your life.

Choose Pain

OK, here's the deal. And this time it's the real deal, not that fake deal I told you about a while ago. You're doing everything wrong. And I do everything right. Except writing cursive and throwing lawn darts. I can't write straight because I always have so much caffeine in my system that my appendages shake uncontrollably.

Lucky for you, I'm benevolent and merciful and I have a sweet website you can read over and over again. If you subscribe, I'll hook you up with my introductory package, which includes a stick of deodorant that I was given as a gift, vegetables, and slew of derogatory/motivational phrases which I wrote on on a pack of post-it notes that I stole from my last job. Before any of you get all high and mighty about theft in the workplace, I'll have you know that they had been stealing bits and pieces of my soul since day one, and that subtly taking office supplies was a far cry from the worst thing I did while I was there.

There were a few positive things about working at this wretched tortuous environment though. I  developed a keener than normal sense of hearing, and that other sense that some people have that allows them to be aware of someone staring at them from across the room. This was not in the Bear Grylls sense of being aware, but in the sense that I had just edited my bosses face onto a picture of dinosaur in MS paint, and needed to be aware of any prying eyes. I also learned the art of forging official documents (yea right CPR card), and printing my resume out on the main printer.

But I digress.

I learned a very important lesson last week when I got a new tattoo on my neck. The lesson didn't come when I was finished with the portrait of a centaur wielding Thor's hammer, but rather a few days later, when I had forgotten about  the excruciating pain that I had been put through for 4 hours, and started contemplating finishing the tattoo on my back of the ghost pirate ship attacking an army of dragons in tanks.

Note: Not this kind of centaur.

Had I not learned my lesson? What was it about tiny needles stabbing my skin over and over again that I was able to forget so easily?


That's because the human brain has an inability to remember the sensation of pain. Whether it's slamming your finger in the car door, your 'fight' club' party, or a hangover, we as humans forget very easily what feeling bad feels like.


This is just a evolutionary safeguard so that the human race does not die out. I am not a doctor, and don't know anything really, but I'm not sure how many women would opt for labor a second time if they could bring up an acute memory of the sensation of giving birth.


What does this mean for you? First of all, it means that tattoo shops and suppliers aren't going anywhere, so you might as well buy stock in Unimax. Secondly, what it means is that you should not be afraid to challenge yourself to do things that might cause you pain. Obviously, I'm not talking about the pain of being run over by a car. Leave that to guys  from Jackass, whom I assume have no memory whatsoever.



But during your workouts, and in your life, we often get to a point where whatever were doing at the time is causing a deep burning pain that makes us very, very uncomfortable. If we realize that this pain is in our heads, and we wont even be able to recall it in 20 minutes, we can push past our plateaus and barriers and accomplish the goals we set for ourselves.

Same goes for eating. We don't recall the very natural sensation of being hungry, yet we as Americans have a deep fear of going 4 hours without eating. You don't need to be full all the time. Skip the cake next time and embrace the pain of a slight craving. One week later, I promise you wont regret it.

If we never press past our comfort zone, we'll never progress in the things we want to. Whether you're looking to lose weight, gain muscle, get fit, or just stay healthy, there will always be a point where you've "had enough" and want to stop, take it back a notch, call it a day, whatever. At this point, it's very important to draw upon the power of the centaur tattoo, and smash the barriers that hold you back with the hammer of Thor.

 

Note: That last sentence was almost as corny as this actual movie. My deepest apologies go out to anyone who actually saw Thor, and was offended by this post.

Have Back Pain? Thinking About Getting Some?

For those of you who are among the 100% of Americans (false statistic) with some sort of low back pain, sciatica, hip tension, office job, or no real flexibility regimen, you should keep reading. Not only that, but you should bookmark this page, take a screenshot and save it as your computer background, suggest it to your friends and family, and print out 1000 copies at kinkos and leave them at restaurants as a tip. Servers love that kind of thing.

USATODAY says that 8 out of 10 Americans will deal with some sort of back pain in their lifetime. (source) Due to this 80% statistic, Americans pay out almost 25 BILLION dollars every year for medical expenses and drugs to help alleviate the pain. Another 25 billion is spent on worker compensation for time lost due to surgery and/or time out of work. I know time off is great, but it gets hard to enjoy even incredible quality programing like "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" when you've seen the episode 17 times already and your recliner is covered in cheez-it crumbs. Not to mention that your whole family is really not impressed with your "my back hurts, and therefore I can't take out the trash/bring you to cheer practice/stop drinking heavily"

If only you had heard the phrase "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure" sooner! If only you had this blog as your home page! If only you had asked that cheerleader to prom back in '81! Well, too bad, you didn't, and now look where your life has taken you.

But, I'm here to tell you that if you have not had your lifetime dose of recommended back pain, if you're here to learn from the mistakes of others and accept my perfect guiding wisdom with a smile, than I will gladly impart upon you dear readers, the tricks, nay, the skills that it takes to save yourself a lifetime of pain, disappointment and two and a half men reruns.

The two biggest muscular issues that I see that deal with low back pain are tight hip flexors, and a tight glute complex. The hip flexors are an interesting muscle group because they tie in at your back, to your thoracic spine, and then attach at the front of your body at the pelvis. So stretching, strengthening, or otherwise thinking about these muscles is not something that the average gym rat does, let alone the non-fitness minded person. They don't even have a machine at the gym that targets these elusive creatures! (But they do have 97 machines for working the small head of your biceps).

If you've ever experienced a pinching or tightness in the front of your hip, if you've ever felt your hip joint "pop" or "crack" of if you find yourself sitting for a long period of time during the day, this is for you. Take 30 seconds on each side, and lean into the stretch without your front knee going too far over your toe. Leg warmers will DEFINITELY help the effectiveness of this one. You don't need to extend your arms over your head like shown here, simply at your side or on your hips would be just fine. 3x a day, in between long lethargic periods, or while at your desk. Or on top of your desk. Especially if you've got leg warmers.

The second problematic area is the glute complex. This amalgamation of different muscles can get tight for various reasons; swinging a golf club, standing with most of the weight on one foot, getting out of your car wrong etc. Mine sometimes even tighten up spontaneously when I say the word 'Jumanji'. So, there's just not telling what kind of harm you've been doing to your body when your perform your pre-shower ritual of standing on one foot, repeating all the lyrics to Kid Rock's "Bawitaba" and cleaning your ears.

Good news though. Here's how you prevent this from causing problems.
Lay on the ground with your knees up and your feet on the ground close to your butt. Take your right leg and put your right ankle over your left knee. Take both hands and grab your left knee now, and pull it in towards your chest. You should start feeling a good stretch in the butt region. 30 seconds on each side, then switch.

Do both of these a few times per day for 30 seconds. If you don't, you'll most likely be walking around one day, thinking to yourself "wow, I'm too awesome for stretching" when all of the sudden, your legs will both fall off, and you'll need massive reconstructive surgery, and end up getting metal rods realigning your spine and have an ultra sweet scar on your back. So I guess at the end of the day it wouldn't even be that bad.