Toe Shoes Vs. The Mountain

If you live in the greater Phoenix metro area, you know what Camelback mountain is. If you're not from the area, or you don't pay attention to local topography, it kind of looks like this:

 

Less snow on top, and really no grass leading up to it, but just about the same. If Paradise Valley had an evil overlord, he would most assuredly live in a fortress in camelback mountain. There's no doubt in my mind. It's recently become a fascination of my to wake up super early in the morning, drive to the base of camelback, and climb up it. And since I apparently can't think clearly, I've been wearing my Vibram 5-fingers going up. Mine look like this:

They've got a super awesome rubber sole, and mesh on top to keep stuff out. At first they're weird to wear. Separating your toes like that is not something we're used to doing, so it can be kind of uncomfortable, or at least a new sensation. It also takes about 2 weeks to break them in. If you think you're super hardcore, can handle anything and don't need to read directions and decide that breaking them is only going to take you 1 day, you can end up with a minor stress fracture in your foot.
Here's how!
Step One) Order Virbams
Step Two) Receive Vibrams in the same manor that a child would receive candy
Step Three) Put Virams on (albeit poorly)
Step Four) Try to run 6 miles.

Lucky for you guys, I tested that out for you, and it does indeed work. If you're planning on doing any running, start with a trip around the block, then the next day do two trips, next day three trips, etc, until after about 2 weeks you're running three miles or so. That's the proper way to do it apparently. And also a good way of rehabbing your foot after you fracture it.

So, I've had these shoes for about a year now, and I've been experimenting with them in different facets. Running, weightlifting, Going to the beach, walking on small rocks, doing wall taps, skateboarding, drinking beer, and playing house. It works for some things better than others, but they're just fun to wear. Also, they're kind of like always walking an ugly dog because no matter where you go people look at you and ask you if you dressed yourself in the morning, and why your socks are so fugly.

Anyways, I decided that I wanted to branch out and take my shoes hiking up Camelback, because that sounds rad.
The first time I went up, I decided to go up Echo Canyon, which is the steeper side, which also has the added benefit of having large smooth boulders, which turn my toe shoes into Super Elite Ninja Warrior Shoes, and gives me +5 mountain climbing ability.
The second time I went up, I went up the Cholla route, which more more like a traditional 'hike' and less like a mountain climb. In Arizona, what this means is that there are rocks the size of you fist scattered all over the trail that I assume have been sharpened by ancient Native American warriors, and placed point up to stab hikers. Typically, one would think of this trail as being easier than the other, but going from having been endowed with super toe shoe speed and fortitude, to having my shoes become what felt like light fabric between my feet and Navajo arrowheads.
During one of these foot stabbing occurrences, I slipped off the rock that had been maiming the bottom of my left foot, and in an effort to make myself look cool, I did one of those no-I-didn't-trip-I-just-started-jogging-for-no-reason maneuvers, and while doing this and simultaneously trying to go uphill, I smashed my right foot into a huge piece of schist. I don't know for sure how, but my friend I was hiking with said that a rock formation suddenly jutted up underneath me. Probably due to some seismic activity from the new Kanye West and Jay -Z album dropping today.
Instead of doing what I probably should have and checking my toes or turning around, I kept going. Yes, I kept going dear readers, because I wanted to give you an accurate account of what it was like to hike in Vibrams. You're welcome.
So I made Camelback my own personal Trail of Tears (too soon?), and limped all the way to the top and back down.
Coming down on the other side with all the boulders wearing the Vibrams, I was able to harness the power of the gecko and kind of spider-man my way down. Coming down on the other side, I teetered and limped like a geriatric pirate across a minefield.

Good news is though, all the toes on my left foot are totally fine! The bad news is that the second to last one on my right is definitely broken, and the middle one is kind of suspect at this point too...

Once again, you're welcome.

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National Junk Food Day!!! LOL

July 21st is National Junk Food day according to Yahoo. A day we can take a break from all the hard dietary work we put in on a daily basis. A day we can finally let go of the rigors of packing our lunch, slaving over our whole wheat sandwiches, our brown rice, chicken and broccoli. Finally, the time has come in where just for one day, we forsake our ruthless standards of health and let it all go. Nothing is off limits for us:
Fiery hot Cheetos? check.
Big mac with a whopper on the side? Definitely.
Ice cream with extra sprinkles? Oh yeah.
Non-diet soda? Holla!
Twinkies, ho-ho's moon pies, and snowballs? well, I guess I could have just one (of each)
Tacos, pizza, and cheese steaks? Gotta eat something...

Sometimes it can be so refreshing to cheat a little and let loose right? But we as Americans live a lifestyle of cheating. There is literally no occasion when we're not stuffing our faces with EVERYTHING WE WANT. Think back on the last time you showed moderation during a meal when you didn't have to. The dinner where you take clients out for drinks at the french restaurant and only order hors d'ouvres doesn't count. Abstaining from the 4th brownie doesn't count. I'm talking about the time you order a full pizza and a 6 pack when you're at home alone watching Gilmore Girl reruns. Did you call it quits at 2 slices that night? Probably not.


Right now, my main goal in life is to establish a gag reflex for when I hear terrible excuses, so that I just begin vomiting uncontrollably all over the floor and the guilty party, so that they can feel my pain. Since I haven't been able to accomplish that feat yet, right now what I do is make a list of every time a morally bankrupt excuse offends me on a physical level, and when I go home at night, I slam my hand in the oven door repeatedly. Not a perfect system by any means, but it gets me through the day.

When we go out to eat, it becomes an 'occasion' where we're granted more leniency for eating quantities of food that would put a mongoloid into a food coma. Seriously? How many times do you go out to eat per week. If you're like most Americans, the answer is at least 3.5. Do you just forget what going out is like, and get excited to experience "The Olive Garden" and their real Italian cuisine? If so, God bless you. Life is going to be one fantastic surprise.  If not, you're just looking for another excuse to succumb to your poor eating habits, and it's you who hurt me on a very physical level.

Think about all the times you've made excuses based on very average, most likely mundane events. Nephew's birthday party? Gotta have cake. Aunt Myrtle's funeral? You'd be remiss to not drink 13 beers. It's what she would have wanted! First Friday of the month? Time for funnelcake.  4pm on a Thursday? might as well eat the last doughnut so we can throw away the box. The company should thanks you for this selfless act!

If you wanna look good, just do it. Eat well, and take the stairs. Quit justifying infantile "I see it I want it" behavior, lest I gain control of my gag reflex.