Worst Inventions Ever. Part I

In this edition of "Worst Inventions Ever", I'll be changing your paradigm about something that you use every day, all day, even though you're ruining your body forever because this particular invention actually despises you and your fitness goals.

This abomination of abdominal abscess, this pioneer of poor posture, this sultan of sensational slouching is called a 'chair' by many people in the world, but would be more correctly referred too as a 'corpus morsus' which is Latin for 'hunchback machine'. (no source)

Note: You shouldn't sit like this guy, mostly because you're not a criminal.

The human body was built to stand, walk, run, and stay active. By relegating ourselves to chairs for the majority of a workday, we essentially deactivate the following muscles:
Glutes
Hamstrings
Quads
Spinal Erectors
Rectus Abdominus
Internal and External Obliques
Scalenes
Low Pectorals
Low Traps
Rhomboids.

Pretty much every muscle in the elusive core that we all chase at our respective temples of fitness by doing single leg plyometric kettlebell squat thrusts on a bosu ball. Every muscle from your armpits to your knees is deactivated, or turned off while you sit.

Time for a quiz!

Do you want a six pack or nice abs?
A) No
B)Yes

Do you sit during the day?
A) Yes
B) No

If you answered A to either of these questions, you lose.

However, for those of us who have office jobs and can hardly convert to a standing desk. (a fantastic idea if you have the means) there is hope.  (not much though).

By practicing correct posture and abdominal bracing while you sit, you can alleviate some of the symptoms associated with chronic sitting.  Figure out how to stand correctly first, with your spine in a neutral position by standing up, and trying to flex all of the aforementioned muscles at the same time. Keep your back tight, chest up, butt and quads tight, and push your stomach out to engage your abs much like you were pushing out against a belt. You don't have to be straining, but there should be a good deal of tension in all your muscles.

A good litmus test for if you're doing this right is if you were to stand up in the middle of the office and do it, people would be looking at your strange, and someone would hopefully ask you if you were mad about something.

Now continue to hold that position as you sit back down. You chest should be up, shoulders down, and abs tight with your back not touching the back of your chair.

If you catch yourself slouching, snap yourself with a rubber band, because you have no right to do that. What, are you tired from your long day sitting? Negative. Stop being posture lazy and fix yourself.

We've all seen the elderly (and young) people with rounded upper backs. That's called thoracic kyphosis, and it's caused by tight chest, and a weak upper back from sitting poorly, often times in front of a desk. If you want a built in system to make sure that you don't hunch during the day, stand up straight with perfect neutral posture, and have someone put a strip of duct tape across your back, a little lower than each shoulder. You'll definitely remember to sit upright, especially if you're hairy.

Want a built in way to keep yourself from having a hunchback and shoulder problems for the rest of your life? Grab a band that's not too heavy, and with straight arms and, you guessed it, perfect neutral posture, pull the band apart, taking care to squeeze your shoulder blades together and hold it for a second.  Do this 100 times per day, and you'll have a sexy back, and even sexier posture.

For more suggestions on how to improve yourself in this arena, read this article, written by my best friend.



 If you find that you have problems with posture, or upper back mobility,  post to the comments, and I can help you improve that and improve your life.

Choose Pain

OK, here's the deal. And this time it's the real deal, not that fake deal I told you about a while ago. You're doing everything wrong. And I do everything right. Except writing cursive and throwing lawn darts. I can't write straight because I always have so much caffeine in my system that my appendages shake uncontrollably.

Lucky for you, I'm benevolent and merciful and I have a sweet website you can read over and over again. If you subscribe, I'll hook you up with my introductory package, which includes a stick of deodorant that I was given as a gift, vegetables, and slew of derogatory/motivational phrases which I wrote on on a pack of post-it notes that I stole from my last job. Before any of you get all high and mighty about theft in the workplace, I'll have you know that they had been stealing bits and pieces of my soul since day one, and that subtly taking office supplies was a far cry from the worst thing I did while I was there.

There were a few positive things about working at this wretched tortuous environment though. I  developed a keener than normal sense of hearing, and that other sense that some people have that allows them to be aware of someone staring at them from across the room. This was not in the Bear Grylls sense of being aware, but in the sense that I had just edited my bosses face onto a picture of dinosaur in MS paint, and needed to be aware of any prying eyes. I also learned the art of forging official documents (yea right CPR card), and printing my resume out on the main printer.

But I digress.

I learned a very important lesson last week when I got a new tattoo on my neck. The lesson didn't come when I was finished with the portrait of a centaur wielding Thor's hammer, but rather a few days later, when I had forgotten about  the excruciating pain that I had been put through for 4 hours, and started contemplating finishing the tattoo on my back of the ghost pirate ship attacking an army of dragons in tanks.

Note: Not this kind of centaur.

Had I not learned my lesson? What was it about tiny needles stabbing my skin over and over again that I was able to forget so easily?


That's because the human brain has an inability to remember the sensation of pain. Whether it's slamming your finger in the car door, your 'fight' club' party, or a hangover, we as humans forget very easily what feeling bad feels like.


This is just a evolutionary safeguard so that the human race does not die out. I am not a doctor, and don't know anything really, but I'm not sure how many women would opt for labor a second time if they could bring up an acute memory of the sensation of giving birth.


What does this mean for you? First of all, it means that tattoo shops and suppliers aren't going anywhere, so you might as well buy stock in Unimax. Secondly, what it means is that you should not be afraid to challenge yourself to do things that might cause you pain. Obviously, I'm not talking about the pain of being run over by a car. Leave that to guys  from Jackass, whom I assume have no memory whatsoever.



But during your workouts, and in your life, we often get to a point where whatever were doing at the time is causing a deep burning pain that makes us very, very uncomfortable. If we realize that this pain is in our heads, and we wont even be able to recall it in 20 minutes, we can push past our plateaus and barriers and accomplish the goals we set for ourselves.

Same goes for eating. We don't recall the very natural sensation of being hungry, yet we as Americans have a deep fear of going 4 hours without eating. You don't need to be full all the time. Skip the cake next time and embrace the pain of a slight craving. One week later, I promise you wont regret it.

If we never press past our comfort zone, we'll never progress in the things we want to. Whether you're looking to lose weight, gain muscle, get fit, or just stay healthy, there will always be a point where you've "had enough" and want to stop, take it back a notch, call it a day, whatever. At this point, it's very important to draw upon the power of the centaur tattoo, and smash the barriers that hold you back with the hammer of Thor.

 

Note: That last sentence was almost as corny as this actual movie. My deepest apologies go out to anyone who actually saw Thor, and was offended by this post.

Goat's Milk vs Regular Milk. An Objective Analysis.

I recently had the pleasure of seeing goat milk on sale at my friendly neighborhood market place, and I took advantage of this occasion to give you dear readers a taste (so to speak) or the differences between regular poor people milk, and the highly sought after goat milk.

Calories
Because goat milk has around 10 g of fat vs regular milk's 8 or 9, and due to the fact that it's way easier to find low fat cow milk, at 140 cal per 8 oz, goat's milk loses this one. Or wins, if you are anything like me, and enjoy drinking tons of calories.

Protein
Goats and Cows have different types of curd in their milk, which yields different kinds of proteins. Goat milk  (hear after will be referred to as GM) has a quicker digested proteins than RM (hats off to you if you figured this one out on your own). So GM wins this one. Or loses, depending on if you want a slow digesting casein protein.
 
Lactose
GM has often been touted as being magic milk because of it's ability to be digested by those who are lactose intolerant. So it wins this one. RM 4.7% lactose. GM 4.1% lactose. Yep, you heard it here first.

Vitamins and Minerals
GM has 13% more calcium, 25% more B-6, 47% more A, 134% more potassium, 300% more niacin, and 400% more copper (?). So goat milk wins. Especially if you love copper.

Taste
Whole milk: 8
2% milk: 7
Skim milk: 5
Goat Milk: 9

Cost
Cow Milk 2.79 Gal.
Goat Milk 15.96 Gal.

Chance of Getting Mad Cow Disease From Milk

Goat Milk 0%
Cow Milk 100%

Make your own mind up here, but Goat milk, even though I did feel like I was drinking clouds from heaven while I consumed it, is far to expensive for me to enjoy on a regular basis. However, if you have a friend who's birthday is coming up, I'm sure they would love a cold pint of the frothy white delight. You're welcome for that idea.

What Doesn't Kill You Will Eventually Kill You.

Do you like eating chicken nuggets when you go out for some fast food? Do you buy breaded chicken products at the grocery store? Well, congratulations, you're helping to the keep the economy afloat.  Seriously, put that on your resume, see if anyone asks about it.


In addition to being a patron of large and small business (God bless you.), you're also consuming MSP. Mechanically seperated poultry. According to some sources, MSP is manufactured by grinding up the remainder of the chicken, flavoring it, and breading it. Jamie Oliver shows a simpliefied version of it below. (4 min long or so, skip through it if you're at work and can't get caught watching youtube videos)

This brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "meat gloop". And unless you're a member of a Canadian based internet video sensation pseudo chef group, it's really not necessary to be associated with or consume meat gloop at all.

Happy Eating!

I Just Invented a New Exercise

I call it swimming. Try it at home in your water pool. It's done by jumping off your diving board, and using your arms and legs to propel yourself across the fluid-like mass that you keep in your backyard concrete ditch.
Take a timeout from your water guns and your underwater submarine tag games and try to burn some calories before you partake in your diece y siete de mayo binge party.
You probably think: "Ha! swimming? That's a stupid name for an exercise, plus I look like the guys from the movie 300, so I'm good at doing everything."

But you're wrong.

Try this, see how long it takes for your lungs to catch on fire.

Swim 4 laps in your pool. (If you don't have one, use your neighbor's.)
25 pushups
25 squats.

Repeat. See how many rounds you can complete in 30 minutes.

This is not only a good way to work on your cardio, but it's great for that base summer tan. (I'm just looking out for you from an aesthetic point of view.)
How do you stack up?

1-3 rounds. You need to try harder. [3rd grade school play
4-5 rounds. Average. [Bear Grylls sans both arms and 1 lung]
6-7 rounds. Getting there. [You're the Bon Jovi of fitness]
8-10 rounds. Passionate [Vin Diesel in every movie]
11-13 rounds. Panther-like. [Stereotypical eastern European]
14+ rounds. Legendary [Like the baby of Michael Phelps and an angel]

The Food Pyramid Hates You

This is the food pyramid. For those of you that grew up under a rock, this is the food guide that we've learned about since grade school showing us how to eat correctly. That's great! The only tiny little bad thing about it, is that it's not designed with your actual dietary needs in mind.
Let's take a step back to the dark roots of the food pyramid for a second though.

It was first invented by, you guessed it, the Egyptians in early 4000 BC. It was made to be a device to trick their slaves into eating terrible things. Roughly translated, this pyramid says, from bottom to top:
'Dirts'
'Orange peels'
'Flat bread'
'Crocodile'
'Meat water'
'Insects'


So, as you can see, this is clearly not a correct macro nutrient ratio, especially for growing slaves that have to build giant monuments. After Ramses II (Also known as Ramses the Wicked) died, his twin brother Ramses II (also known as Ramses the Nutritionist) took power, and the food pyramid was done away with.

At certain times during history, it has been seen to rear it's ugly head, specifically during the middle ages (See Black Plague), World War II, and Harry Potter.

After that, it had it's most recent appearance in Denmark, and then was picked up in 1992 by the USDA. The United States Department of Agriculture. This is problematic on two levels. First of all, I don't need the Government telling me how to eat. They can't be trusted. (Soylent Green anyone?) And secondly, it would seem as if the USDA has a vested interest in getting us to eat certain kinds of food based on what was best for the farmers and ranchers, and not on dietary constraints. That might not be true, but it's definitely a conspiracy theory you should be aware of.

On top of that, science has shown us that a diet high in cereal grains is not a healthy way to go. If you eat somewhere in the middle of your 6-11 servings of carbs, even  with a healthy choice like whole grain bread, you're still looking at 120 cal per slice x 8 servings or 960 calories of pure carbohydrates. This might be ok if you're an elite athlete training 4hours per day, but it certainly is not alright for your average cubicle hero.

Science has come a long way from where it has been. We're almost at the end of the line with Low or No Fat diets, and we've since switched to demonizing carbs and making them the ones responsible for obesity in America, diabetes, and Rebecca Black's rise to stardom.

However, this still has yet to be reflected in society's general eating habits. Aside from the diet books and fitness magazines, there is very little change in what the FDA and the government recommends you eat daily. What change there is, is reflected in portion size, and not necessarily makeup of meals. A step in the right direction, but it doesn't cut it.

Do we need government backing to eat well? No. If the government did tell us how to eat, would we do it? Probably not. Are we as a society lazy and weak willed? Yes. Am I undeniably handsome? Absolutely.

If you can, or if you care, try to stick to a diet that's 40-45% protein 35-50% carbs, and 10-20% fats. The 50% carbs doesn't mean ice cream and wonder bread though. Stick with low amounts of cereal grains, and high amounts of veggies and legumes,


And now for two enormous bonus tips for the people that have read this far:
1) I've heard it called the "green faces" diet. It's easy. You can/should eat it if it's green and grows, or if it had a face at some point. This relegates you to eating a lot of lean meats and protein, and vegetables. Perfect. Don't eat it if it once had a face, but now is green. That's bad.
Also, eggs count.

2) 100 grams to freedom. If you're trying to cut down on weight, just restrict your carbohydrate intake to 100 grams per day. The idea is that you, being smart and efficient, will only eat the good carbs, and cut out the bad, but offers the insurance policy that even if you do eat poorly, you can only eat a small amount of bad stuff.

Try #2, let me know how soon you can see your abs.

Pectoral Jihad.

Do you want big pecs? Do you want a lot of friends? Do you want to make men envious at the beach and women halfway accepting of your overused flying-catch football pick up technique? Try this workout and feel the burn.

This method is called pre-fatigue, and is a staple in the workouts of older lifters and strong bodybuilders everywhere. The idea is that by working your muscles with a small, or assistance exercise prior to doing a big lift you'll recruit more muscle fibers for the big lift, thereby targeting that muscle more completely, and hitting both fast twitch and slow twitch muscle fibers. I've seen this done a variety of ways, and most people will lie to you about it's effectiveness. Don't be fooled. This does work, and it's great if you have an injury, or want to keep from getting one.

It's not just a bodybuilding technique for mass monsters with something to prove. This can be utilized by women and children of all ages to change their physique and grow stronger without fear of injury, especially around sensitive areas like the low back, knees, and shoulders.

Another big plus is that it increases the mind muscle connection, so that way when you're working a muscle, you won't just be moving weight around for the fun of it, and you wont be lifting the pink dumbbells just for something to do. If you can successfully master this technique, you'll be more in tune with what your body is comfortable with, and what you need to do to alter your body composition.

"But Nate" you say, "This is all well and good, but I didn't come to this site for science, I came to launch a holy war on my body during chest day!" Well, here you go.

Start your chest routine with a good warmup to get the blood moving. Always necessary. Then, when your shoulders are properly warmed up, go find that chest fly machine. If you don't have one, go grab an entire cable crossover and make EVERYONE at the gym wait for you. Take about 5 minutes between sets and insist that no one else can work on your machine while you're sitting. This is very important.

Kidding. About 90 seconds max rest.

Take the cable, and set it to a weight that you can do quite a few with. Now do 50 reps. At the end, your chest should be burning, BUT YOU SHOULD BE NOWHERE NEAR EXHAUSTION. If you are, you're doing it wrong, go back to the elliptical.

Rest a minute or two, then do it again. And again. And again. 4 sets of 50 is plenty if you're a stud. If you're just getting back into working out, 2-3 sets of 25-40 should be enough. Again, listen to your body. If it's telling you that it's revolting against your authority, and if you do another rep, it's going to stop letting you have access to your arms for a week, it would be wise to take it down a notch. If on the other hand, you aren't even feeling it after the first set, raise that weight.

Here's the most important part. That mind muscle connection all your friends are always talking about. When you do a rep, make sure to squeeze that muscle and engage it as best you can. This should make it significantly harder, and you might be humbled if you see this technique through to the end of the workout. You also will be pleased with your results if you continue to use you mind to work out instead of brute force. Yes, I'm talking you ladies.

So, when you finish with your light, but hellish first exercise, your chest should be feeling like it's been hydraulically pumped full of blood and battery acid. Still, you should not be tired, This is just your warm up. There's a difference between having a 'burn' or a 'pump' and having muscular fatigue and breakdown. It might take you a couple tries to get it right, but if you do it wrong, I promise you'll know.

Now that you're all set up for success, go grab a bench press, because I know you love benching. If you're really awesome, go grab some dumbbells and lie down on a bench and use those instead
4 sets of 8-12 should be plenty. Go light, you're in for a treat with how your chest feels. It might be kind of like this...

So, here it is again.
4 sets of 50 on light chest flies (high, low, cable, machine, etc. Mix it up)
4 sets of 12 on dumbbell Bench press.

That should be enough, but if you're really feeling masochistic and like you've got some more in you, find the closest piece of floor and try to knock out 100 pushups. If it takes you longer than 4 minutes, pick yourself up and either go home, or work your lower body. You've had enough.

Straight Off the Eastern Bloc.

Boom. This just in, from Russia with love. A great way to work out your legs, while simultaneously working on your Soviet culture. Introducing: The Bulgarian Split Squat. This is an exercise that can, and will fight you.  If you've ever had any illusions of lower body grandeur, the BSS will soon fix your mind and your body. But mostly your mind, because that's where you're broken.

Just from experience, I can tell you that it is my personal belief that this exercise has taken the form of a dragon and has not only stolen things out of my desk drawer while I wasn't home, but also chopped down a tree in my backyard, burned the ground in the shape of hammer and sickle, and then started a cult.

Here's how to do it, and a few variations of it.
 
Stand about 3 feet in front of a bench, a chair, a table, a couch, or something sturdy that is about knee level or a little higher. Start on one food, and find your balance. With the other foot, go ahead and push it back, and let it rest on the top of the item behind you. I prefer doing it with the top of my foot on the top of the object, but you can do it on your toes if you have great dorsiflexion mobility. (you can pull your foot towards your knee pretty well) Test it out, it varies based on your biomechanics.

From there, go ahead and squat down with the front leg, making sure to drive the back knee back and down, and let it bend. Don't let the front knee go over the front toe. This is bad.

Notice how in the picture, he forms a right angle with his front knee and hip.  That's good form.  Do it like that.

It's not complicated, give it a few tries on each leg. One leg will be weaker than the other. Start with that leg every time. Also, if you've never done this before, it would be prudent to start of with just your body weight. Any more, and you're in danger of feeling like someone took a mallet to your glutes while you were sleeping. But hey, if you're in a dangerous mood, go for it.

A couple notes on what this exercise is:
A great way to work your inner and outer thigh (ladies?)
A great way to work your balance
Simple
A great way to work your abs and obliques
A great way to work you glutes (read: A great way to feel like you started a chemical fire on your backside)
A great way to improve posture/burn calories/look rad at the gym/etc.

A couple notes on what this exercise is not:
A great way to have a light workout
Bench press
Elliptical machine
North American
A great way to pick up chicks (kinda hard to impress anyone with your lungs on the outside of your body)
Fun / mentally easy / hella tight

"But Nate!" you say. "I can squat my bodyweight, I'm no stranger to the gym, and I just consumed a Tyler Ells sized portion of NoExplode and F16 fuel, and my heart is going to explode if I only do bodyweight exercises!"

Great work Skippy, glad to hear it. Try one of these variations.

1) Weighted. Get a weight vest, grab some dumbbells, a kettlebell, your little sister, whatever you have available. Hold it in one hand, both hands, on your back, in front of you, etc. The possibilities are endless.
2) Increase range of motion. Stand on a box or a pile of weights. Feel that stretch in your hams, glutes and groin. Yep. That's fun.
3) Oh, you're the balance master? Probably not. Grab a set of TRX straps and put your back foot in that. Or put your back foot on a Swiss ball. Or close your eyes. n00b.
4) Got all this down? Too easy? Whatever Sven. Time to add some more Slavic influence. Introduce some German Volume Training, and see how you feel tomorrow. I'll bring you a wheelchair. 10 sets of 10 reps.  I didn't say it was smart, just German.
5) Is your cardio game locked down? Can you run for hours on end like a mystical gazelle? Pfft. Do a set, rest for a minute, do another set. Oh, did I say rest? I meant hold a push up position plank.

 

Suck it up and get it done. Talk to you later.