Toe Shoes Vs. The Mountain

If you live in the greater Phoenix metro area, you know what Camelback mountain is. If you're not from the area, or you don't pay attention to local topography, it kind of looks like this:

 

Less snow on top, and really no grass leading up to it, but just about the same. If Paradise Valley had an evil overlord, he would most assuredly live in a fortress in camelback mountain. There's no doubt in my mind. It's recently become a fascination of my to wake up super early in the morning, drive to the base of camelback, and climb up it. And since I apparently can't think clearly, I've been wearing my Vibram 5-fingers going up. Mine look like this:

They've got a super awesome rubber sole, and mesh on top to keep stuff out. At first they're weird to wear. Separating your toes like that is not something we're used to doing, so it can be kind of uncomfortable, or at least a new sensation. It also takes about 2 weeks to break them in. If you think you're super hardcore, can handle anything and don't need to read directions and decide that breaking them is only going to take you 1 day, you can end up with a minor stress fracture in your foot.
Here's how!
Step One) Order Virbams
Step Two) Receive Vibrams in the same manor that a child would receive candy
Step Three) Put Virams on (albeit poorly)
Step Four) Try to run 6 miles.

Lucky for you guys, I tested that out for you, and it does indeed work. If you're planning on doing any running, start with a trip around the block, then the next day do two trips, next day three trips, etc, until after about 2 weeks you're running three miles or so. That's the proper way to do it apparently. And also a good way of rehabbing your foot after you fracture it.

So, I've had these shoes for about a year now, and I've been experimenting with them in different facets. Running, weightlifting, Going to the beach, walking on small rocks, doing wall taps, skateboarding, drinking beer, and playing house. It works for some things better than others, but they're just fun to wear. Also, they're kind of like always walking an ugly dog because no matter where you go people look at you and ask you if you dressed yourself in the morning, and why your socks are so fugly.

Anyways, I decided that I wanted to branch out and take my shoes hiking up Camelback, because that sounds rad.
The first time I went up, I decided to go up Echo Canyon, which is the steeper side, which also has the added benefit of having large smooth boulders, which turn my toe shoes into Super Elite Ninja Warrior Shoes, and gives me +5 mountain climbing ability.
The second time I went up, I went up the Cholla route, which more more like a traditional 'hike' and less like a mountain climb. In Arizona, what this means is that there are rocks the size of you fist scattered all over the trail that I assume have been sharpened by ancient Native American warriors, and placed point up to stab hikers. Typically, one would think of this trail as being easier than the other, but going from having been endowed with super toe shoe speed and fortitude, to having my shoes become what felt like light fabric between my feet and Navajo arrowheads.
During one of these foot stabbing occurrences, I slipped off the rock that had been maiming the bottom of my left foot, and in an effort to make myself look cool, I did one of those no-I-didn't-trip-I-just-started-jogging-for-no-reason maneuvers, and while doing this and simultaneously trying to go uphill, I smashed my right foot into a huge piece of schist. I don't know for sure how, but my friend I was hiking with said that a rock formation suddenly jutted up underneath me. Probably due to some seismic activity from the new Kanye West and Jay -Z album dropping today.
Instead of doing what I probably should have and checking my toes or turning around, I kept going. Yes, I kept going dear readers, because I wanted to give you an accurate account of what it was like to hike in Vibrams. You're welcome.
So I made Camelback my own personal Trail of Tears (too soon?), and limped all the way to the top and back down.
Coming down on the other side with all the boulders wearing the Vibrams, I was able to harness the power of the gecko and kind of spider-man my way down. Coming down on the other side, I teetered and limped like a geriatric pirate across a minefield.

Good news is though, all the toes on my left foot are totally fine! The bad news is that the second to last one on my right is definitely broken, and the middle one is kind of suspect at this point too...

Once again, you're welcome.

If you like what you read, help a brother out and hit  'like' at the top of my facebook page.
https://www.facebook.com/n8trainingsystems

National Junk Food Day!!! LOL

July 21st is National Junk Food day according to Yahoo. A day we can take a break from all the hard dietary work we put in on a daily basis. A day we can finally let go of the rigors of packing our lunch, slaving over our whole wheat sandwiches, our brown rice, chicken and broccoli. Finally, the time has come in where just for one day, we forsake our ruthless standards of health and let it all go. Nothing is off limits for us:
Fiery hot Cheetos? check.
Big mac with a whopper on the side? Definitely.
Ice cream with extra sprinkles? Oh yeah.
Non-diet soda? Holla!
Twinkies, ho-ho's moon pies, and snowballs? well, I guess I could have just one (of each)
Tacos, pizza, and cheese steaks? Gotta eat something...

Sometimes it can be so refreshing to cheat a little and let loose right? But we as Americans live a lifestyle of cheating. There is literally no occasion when we're not stuffing our faces with EVERYTHING WE WANT. Think back on the last time you showed moderation during a meal when you didn't have to. The dinner where you take clients out for drinks at the french restaurant and only order hors d'ouvres doesn't count. Abstaining from the 4th brownie doesn't count. I'm talking about the time you order a full pizza and a 6 pack when you're at home alone watching Gilmore Girl reruns. Did you call it quits at 2 slices that night? Probably not.


Right now, my main goal in life is to establish a gag reflex for when I hear terrible excuses, so that I just begin vomiting uncontrollably all over the floor and the guilty party, so that they can feel my pain. Since I haven't been able to accomplish that feat yet, right now what I do is make a list of every time a morally bankrupt excuse offends me on a physical level, and when I go home at night, I slam my hand in the oven door repeatedly. Not a perfect system by any means, but it gets me through the day.

When we go out to eat, it becomes an 'occasion' where we're granted more leniency for eating quantities of food that would put a mongoloid into a food coma. Seriously? How many times do you go out to eat per week. If you're like most Americans, the answer is at least 3.5. Do you just forget what going out is like, and get excited to experience "The Olive Garden" and their real Italian cuisine? If so, God bless you. Life is going to be one fantastic surprise.  If not, you're just looking for another excuse to succumb to your poor eating habits, and it's you who hurt me on a very physical level.

Think about all the times you've made excuses based on very average, most likely mundane events. Nephew's birthday party? Gotta have cake. Aunt Myrtle's funeral? You'd be remiss to not drink 13 beers. It's what she would have wanted! First Friday of the month? Time for funnelcake.  4pm on a Thursday? might as well eat the last doughnut so we can throw away the box. The company should thanks you for this selfless act!

If you wanna look good, just do it. Eat well, and take the stairs. Quit justifying infantile "I see it I want it" behavior, lest I gain control of my gag reflex.

Test Dummies

So, I think I'm going to be putting together a book in the next few months, so that way you can carry around my words of wisdom in your pocket, and re-gift them 3 months later to your mother in law for her birthday. I'm trying to get my publisher to agree to a starting price of 1,000.00 per book, but he seems to think it's more reasonable to start at 7.99. Whatever, like he knows anything.

So I had a small request of you, if you feel the desire, to try out my test workout, which can be done at multiple stages during the book to test your overall fitness level, and how you've been progressing.  Give this a shot, and post your times to the comments if you wouldn't mind.

Just a word of advice, If you've never done anything like this before, don't try to kill yourself by doing it in 5 minutes. Take your time, and if this takes you the better part of an hour, that's totally ok. Take the amount of rest you want to, have a pina colada in between exercises, I don't care. Let me know if you man up and get it done though. If you don't have a pullup bar and can only do the other exercises, no prolem, leave them out. This is just a test.

50 total walking lunges
35 pushups
20 jumping pullups
20 burpees
30 total hands-to-elbows (plank position to pushup position. 15 each side)
10 narrow stance jumps
10 wide stance jumps
30 bodyweight squats hands overhead.


Ratings are below, and include equivalent characters from the Harry Potter movie series.

60+ min: Neville Longbottom in the first movie
45-60 min: Hagrid
35-45 min: The guys that Malfoy is always hanging out with
25-35 min: Dobby the elf
15-25 min: Picachu
10-15 min: Ron Weasly (as played by Wesley Snipes)
5-10 min: Dragons.

Latisimus Dorsi Jihad. The Saga Continues.

In the previous installment of the Jihad series of articles, we talked about what many men consider the only muscle on the front of the body. In this edition, we'll be talking about its counterpart in the posterior region. If you're somewhat familiar with the muscles groups of the body, and you guessed the traps, not only are you wrong, you're also bad at reading the title of the article. If you did manage to  read the title, and also know where your lats are, nice work! But no bonus points.

For those of you who are unfamiliar, this is the way your lats look if you like anatomy and science:




And this is what they look like if you like steroids:







Since becoming Dorian Yates (picture on right) is out of the question and undesirable for most people, we wont spend any time discussing the different types of steroid cycles and how to manipulate your hormones, but I will tell you how to work your lats effectively and safely, so that you can get develop a lean, muscular physique that is flattering to you figure, and makes you look like you have lifted weights before.

One of the major problems plaguing American culture in general, and gym culture in particular is ILS. Imaginary Lat Syndrome. You see it all the time, when homeboy and his crew roll into your friendly neighborhood LA Fitness, rocking white under armor shirts or tank tops that are just a bit too small, and giving the stink eye to anyone who dares disturb their 50 cent fueled reverie with a glance or a nod.

The one major way to if this epidemic would be to get rid of all of the bench presses in the gyms, but to do so would be to incite a riot of pent up testosterone that had previously been unleashed on Mondays (chest day), Wednesdays (pecs and abs) and Fridays (Chest and Bi's), so this option is out of the question.

However, I propose that there is another way out. ILS, meet your match.

Start with a set of straight arm pulldowns or pullovers. The SAP's are one of the exercise I see done incorrectly most of the time at the gym,  because most people only do half of the exercise.
Pullovers are easier to do correctly, and can be done with either a machine, or an adjustable cable. A dumbbell does not work the full range of motion. If you can't find a machine, grab an adjustable cable, put a a bench in front of it, (use a rope, or a bar), and keeping your arms straight, pull from all the way above your head to your belt line, making an arc.

End position: (no need to look behind you)
Remember, keep your arms straight the whole time.

Bonus, this exercise works your low chest and triceps also!


When you're finished with that, head over to the pullup bar, assisted pullup machine, or lat pulldown. If you can do over 20 pullups in a single set, you should be fine with the bar, if not, switch between the bar and the assisted machine, or just use the machine. If that's too much for you, you probably shouldn't be doing this program. If you're hard headed though, grab the lat pulldown machine. Make sure you take a wide grip to start, you can gradually move it in as it gets harder.  Your last set should be done in a neutral position, (palms facing each other.)

Here's where it gets tricky. Your back is stubborn, much like Lindsey Lohan's coke habit. It wont grow unless you force it. It generally takes a high number of reps per set, and a real squeeze at the end of the rep to force some growth. So these pullups will be done with a 4-0-1 rep tempo. That means a 4 second negative (going down), no pause at the bottom, then 1 second up (or as fast as possible.)
Good luck.

Next exercise is a barbell row. Steal a barbell from a bench, plant one side in a corner, and grab the narrow grip handle, stack some 25's on the end (for range of motion) and dye your hair a late 90's blonde color. Now you're ready to start.

I hope that I don't have to tell you too keep your chest up and shoulders back during ALL of these exercises. I heard someone say that the shoulders are poison to your ears. Keep them as far away as possible. Also, abs tight, knees not locked out. etc etc.

Lastly, go over to a standard cable row machine. Attach the wide handles and row as many times as you can at a weight that feels heavy. Shoot for over 35 reps with good form and a squeeze at the end. Don't be a sissy and leave early. Run over to the pullup bar as soon as you're done, grab on and hang. Don't let go. Go for as long as you can from the bottom position. This might destroy your hands and forearms, but that's OK. Long before recliners, most socialization was done hanging from tree branches, so you're just getting back to your roots.

In case you were concerned that I wasn't actually going to lay it out for you, here it is. Lat explosion:

Pullovers: 3 sets 50 reps.

Pullups: 401 tempo 4 sets of 8-10

Barbell rows: 4 sets of 12

Wide Cable rows: 1 set Max reps

Dead hang: 30 sec- 1 min

This workout shouldn't last you any longer that 4 games of Modern Warfare, or around 45 minutes. Stretch out and go home.

Why You're Always Hurting.

I woke up this morning at 4am with but a singular thought in my mind: "I need to write a new article". So I did.

Your posture is horrible.
I am talking to every man, woman, and child that spends time behind a desk, watching TV, traveling on airplanes, taking taxis, pushing shopping carts, and 'running'. You let you shoulders slump forward and you spine round, you let your feet turn out when you walk, and you never stretch your hips. Your muscles are lethargic and have stopped working for you. Probably becuase they don't respect you anymore.
Gone are the days when you could go out for a 30 yard pass without being winded or having some mysterious low back pain, and unless you stop what you're doing right now and fix yourself, you'll never get them back.

The thing I want to focus on right now is the hip flexor complex. Why yours sucks, and what you need to do to make it better.
First of all, a quiz.

1) Does your low back hurt?
Y N
2) Do you ever feel your hips 'pop' or crack?
Y N
3)Is running extremely difficult for you?
Y N
4) Do your knees ever bother you when you're going up or down stairs?
Y N

If you answered yes to 2 or more of these, I can almost guarantee that there is a muscular problem with your hip flexors. This is the muscle that you use to bring your knee to your chest. Since I know you're sitting right now, grab the highest point on one of your thighs with your palm facing down, your fingers on the outside of your leg, and your thumb on the inside. Now lift your leg off the floor. That's the group of muscles we're talking about.

One of the many muscles responsible for the movement you just did is called the iliopsoas, but since you don't care what it's called, and just want to feel and move better, you can call it Tom if you like. I don't care.
Tom is kinda neat, because he attaches to the front of your pelvis, (i.e. the place you just felt) and goes from the front of your body to the back, and attaches to the first five spine joints of your spine. Here's how that looks.

So, it's unique placement in your body has two major effects. First of all, when it gets tight it pulls on your low back, which is why roughly 80% of people in the US at some point complain of low back pain. Ta Da! If your muscles worked, you would never need surgery!

Secondly, by being seated all the time, and when you are walking, not carrying yourself with good posture, you let that muscle go for a long time without lengthening.  If Tom was a moderately handsome guy that had been hanging out with you for a while, taking you to movies, and treating you like a lady, this is akin to telling him that you don't want to ruin your 'friendship', and that's why you wont date him. So, Tom extracts his revenge on you by making everything hurt.

Ready for the good part?
Find a foam roller ($25), a lacrosse ball/baseball ($5-12), or a pipe (Included with every purchase of Clue...).

Lay on your stomach, find those muscles that you found earlier, and put the instrument of torment underneath them, essentially so it's pressing on those muscles. Now roll around on that muscle until you find a spot that really hurts. Now stay there for a while. 20 seconds on each painful spot. You should roll from the top of your hip bone to 3/4ths of the way down your thigh. Don't forget to go side to side either. You never know how much fun you're missing out on if you don't roll correctly.

Just a thought... If you're doing the aforementioned activity, and it does not feel like Voldemort himself is destroying the inter workings of your hips and stomach with his wand of pain, you're not doing it right.

Done with that? Good.

Now, get up and stretch. Stand between two tables, chairs, large dogs or children, (something that you can use to hold yourself up.) and spread your legs apart, front to back. Your front leg should be on the heel, your back leg on the toe. Continue to go deeper until you feel a good stretch. Now hold for 30 seconds.

 Switch legs.
Do it again
And again.

Now that you've stretched both sides 3 times, it's time for a little activation, because not only are you tight, you're also weak. Fix it.

Stand up, put your foot on a chair or stool so that your thigh is almost parallel with the ground. If you look anything like a triumphant action hero, you're doing it right. (Hands on hips for added emphasis) Now, pick your foot up off the chair, hold it for 3 seconds in the air, and put it back down. The range of motion for this movement should be between 2 and 5 inches. It's very small. Do that 20 times each leg. Then do it again.

I've had clients feel almost 100% better after doing this for only a week. But just like anything else, it doesn't work if you don't do it. Also, good news. If you're in the Scottsdale area, and you're have some pain like this that doesn't subside after a week of stretching, or you're just afraid to do it yourself, I'm currently accepting new clients.

Be good.

More Science

Not that it's any of your business, but I'm getting married this weekend, so I most likely wont update this blog for the next few weeks. It's fine, trust me, I deserve a break. So, stick around, don't be sad I'm gone, then I'm gonna come back and blast your face off with more.
Special thanks to @pryl for this sweet-ass info graphic.



Via: Medical Billing And Coding

Worst Inventions Ever. Part I

In this edition of "Worst Inventions Ever", I'll be changing your paradigm about something that you use every day, all day, even though you're ruining your body forever because this particular invention actually despises you and your fitness goals.

This abomination of abdominal abscess, this pioneer of poor posture, this sultan of sensational slouching is called a 'chair' by many people in the world, but would be more correctly referred too as a 'corpus morsus' which is Latin for 'hunchback machine'. (no source)

Note: You shouldn't sit like this guy, mostly because you're not a criminal.

The human body was built to stand, walk, run, and stay active. By relegating ourselves to chairs for the majority of a workday, we essentially deactivate the following muscles:
Glutes
Hamstrings
Quads
Spinal Erectors
Rectus Abdominus
Internal and External Obliques
Scalenes
Low Pectorals
Low Traps
Rhomboids.

Pretty much every muscle in the elusive core that we all chase at our respective temples of fitness by doing single leg plyometric kettlebell squat thrusts on a bosu ball. Every muscle from your armpits to your knees is deactivated, or turned off while you sit.

Time for a quiz!

Do you want a six pack or nice abs?
A) No
B)Yes

Do you sit during the day?
A) Yes
B) No

If you answered A to either of these questions, you lose.

However, for those of us who have office jobs and can hardly convert to a standing desk. (a fantastic idea if you have the means) there is hope.  (not much though).

By practicing correct posture and abdominal bracing while you sit, you can alleviate some of the symptoms associated with chronic sitting.  Figure out how to stand correctly first, with your spine in a neutral position by standing up, and trying to flex all of the aforementioned muscles at the same time. Keep your back tight, chest up, butt and quads tight, and push your stomach out to engage your abs much like you were pushing out against a belt. You don't have to be straining, but there should be a good deal of tension in all your muscles.

A good litmus test for if you're doing this right is if you were to stand up in the middle of the office and do it, people would be looking at your strange, and someone would hopefully ask you if you were mad about something.

Now continue to hold that position as you sit back down. You chest should be up, shoulders down, and abs tight with your back not touching the back of your chair.

If you catch yourself slouching, snap yourself with a rubber band, because you have no right to do that. What, are you tired from your long day sitting? Negative. Stop being posture lazy and fix yourself.

We've all seen the elderly (and young) people with rounded upper backs. That's called thoracic kyphosis, and it's caused by tight chest, and a weak upper back from sitting poorly, often times in front of a desk. If you want a built in system to make sure that you don't hunch during the day, stand up straight with perfect neutral posture, and have someone put a strip of duct tape across your back, a little lower than each shoulder. You'll definitely remember to sit upright, especially if you're hairy.

Want a built in way to keep yourself from having a hunchback and shoulder problems for the rest of your life? Grab a band that's not too heavy, and with straight arms and, you guessed it, perfect neutral posture, pull the band apart, taking care to squeeze your shoulder blades together and hold it for a second.  Do this 100 times per day, and you'll have a sexy back, and even sexier posture.

For more suggestions on how to improve yourself in this arena, read this article, written by my best friend.



 If you find that you have problems with posture, or upper back mobility,  post to the comments, and I can help you improve that and improve your life.

Choose Pain

OK, here's the deal. And this time it's the real deal, not that fake deal I told you about a while ago. You're doing everything wrong. And I do everything right. Except writing cursive and throwing lawn darts. I can't write straight because I always have so much caffeine in my system that my appendages shake uncontrollably.

Lucky for you, I'm benevolent and merciful and I have a sweet website you can read over and over again. If you subscribe, I'll hook you up with my introductory package, which includes a stick of deodorant that I was given as a gift, vegetables, and slew of derogatory/motivational phrases which I wrote on on a pack of post-it notes that I stole from my last job. Before any of you get all high and mighty about theft in the workplace, I'll have you know that they had been stealing bits and pieces of my soul since day one, and that subtly taking office supplies was a far cry from the worst thing I did while I was there.

There were a few positive things about working at this wretched tortuous environment though. I  developed a keener than normal sense of hearing, and that other sense that some people have that allows them to be aware of someone staring at them from across the room. This was not in the Bear Grylls sense of being aware, but in the sense that I had just edited my bosses face onto a picture of dinosaur in MS paint, and needed to be aware of any prying eyes. I also learned the art of forging official documents (yea right CPR card), and printing my resume out on the main printer.

But I digress.

I learned a very important lesson last week when I got a new tattoo on my neck. The lesson didn't come when I was finished with the portrait of a centaur wielding Thor's hammer, but rather a few days later, when I had forgotten about  the excruciating pain that I had been put through for 4 hours, and started contemplating finishing the tattoo on my back of the ghost pirate ship attacking an army of dragons in tanks.

Note: Not this kind of centaur.

Had I not learned my lesson? What was it about tiny needles stabbing my skin over and over again that I was able to forget so easily?


That's because the human brain has an inability to remember the sensation of pain. Whether it's slamming your finger in the car door, your 'fight' club' party, or a hangover, we as humans forget very easily what feeling bad feels like.


This is just a evolutionary safeguard so that the human race does not die out. I am not a doctor, and don't know anything really, but I'm not sure how many women would opt for labor a second time if they could bring up an acute memory of the sensation of giving birth.


What does this mean for you? First of all, it means that tattoo shops and suppliers aren't going anywhere, so you might as well buy stock in Unimax. Secondly, what it means is that you should not be afraid to challenge yourself to do things that might cause you pain. Obviously, I'm not talking about the pain of being run over by a car. Leave that to guys  from Jackass, whom I assume have no memory whatsoever.



But during your workouts, and in your life, we often get to a point where whatever were doing at the time is causing a deep burning pain that makes us very, very uncomfortable. If we realize that this pain is in our heads, and we wont even be able to recall it in 20 minutes, we can push past our plateaus and barriers and accomplish the goals we set for ourselves.

Same goes for eating. We don't recall the very natural sensation of being hungry, yet we as Americans have a deep fear of going 4 hours without eating. You don't need to be full all the time. Skip the cake next time and embrace the pain of a slight craving. One week later, I promise you wont regret it.

If we never press past our comfort zone, we'll never progress in the things we want to. Whether you're looking to lose weight, gain muscle, get fit, or just stay healthy, there will always be a point where you've "had enough" and want to stop, take it back a notch, call it a day, whatever. At this point, it's very important to draw upon the power of the centaur tattoo, and smash the barriers that hold you back with the hammer of Thor.

 

Note: That last sentence was almost as corny as this actual movie. My deepest apologies go out to anyone who actually saw Thor, and was offended by this post.

Goat's Milk vs Regular Milk. An Objective Analysis.

I recently had the pleasure of seeing goat milk on sale at my friendly neighborhood market place, and I took advantage of this occasion to give you dear readers a taste (so to speak) or the differences between regular poor people milk, and the highly sought after goat milk.

Calories
Because goat milk has around 10 g of fat vs regular milk's 8 or 9, and due to the fact that it's way easier to find low fat cow milk, at 140 cal per 8 oz, goat's milk loses this one. Or wins, if you are anything like me, and enjoy drinking tons of calories.

Protein
Goats and Cows have different types of curd in their milk, which yields different kinds of proteins. Goat milk  (hear after will be referred to as GM) has a quicker digested proteins than RM (hats off to you if you figured this one out on your own). So GM wins this one. Or loses, depending on if you want a slow digesting casein protein.
 
Lactose
GM has often been touted as being magic milk because of it's ability to be digested by those who are lactose intolerant. So it wins this one. RM 4.7% lactose. GM 4.1% lactose. Yep, you heard it here first.

Vitamins and Minerals
GM has 13% more calcium, 25% more B-6, 47% more A, 134% more potassium, 300% more niacin, and 400% more copper (?). So goat milk wins. Especially if you love copper.

Taste
Whole milk: 8
2% milk: 7
Skim milk: 5
Goat Milk: 9

Cost
Cow Milk 2.79 Gal.
Goat Milk 15.96 Gal.

Chance of Getting Mad Cow Disease From Milk

Goat Milk 0%
Cow Milk 100%

Make your own mind up here, but Goat milk, even though I did feel like I was drinking clouds from heaven while I consumed it, is far to expensive for me to enjoy on a regular basis. However, if you have a friend who's birthday is coming up, I'm sure they would love a cold pint of the frothy white delight. You're welcome for that idea.

What Doesn't Kill You Will Eventually Kill You.

Do you like eating chicken nuggets when you go out for some fast food? Do you buy breaded chicken products at the grocery store? Well, congratulations, you're helping to the keep the economy afloat.  Seriously, put that on your resume, see if anyone asks about it.


In addition to being a patron of large and small business (God bless you.), you're also consuming MSP. Mechanically seperated poultry. According to some sources, MSP is manufactured by grinding up the remainder of the chicken, flavoring it, and breading it. Jamie Oliver shows a simpliefied version of it below. (4 min long or so, skip through it if you're at work and can't get caught watching youtube videos)

This brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "meat gloop". And unless you're a member of a Canadian based internet video sensation pseudo chef group, it's really not necessary to be associated with or consume meat gloop at all.

Happy Eating!

I Just Invented a New Exercise

I call it swimming. Try it at home in your water pool. It's done by jumping off your diving board, and using your arms and legs to propel yourself across the fluid-like mass that you keep in your backyard concrete ditch.
Take a timeout from your water guns and your underwater submarine tag games and try to burn some calories before you partake in your diece y siete de mayo binge party.
You probably think: "Ha! swimming? That's a stupid name for an exercise, plus I look like the guys from the movie 300, so I'm good at doing everything."

But you're wrong.

Try this, see how long it takes for your lungs to catch on fire.

Swim 4 laps in your pool. (If you don't have one, use your neighbor's.)
25 pushups
25 squats.

Repeat. See how many rounds you can complete in 30 minutes.

This is not only a good way to work on your cardio, but it's great for that base summer tan. (I'm just looking out for you from an aesthetic point of view.)
How do you stack up?

1-3 rounds. You need to try harder. [3rd grade school play
4-5 rounds. Average. [Bear Grylls sans both arms and 1 lung]
6-7 rounds. Getting there. [You're the Bon Jovi of fitness]
8-10 rounds. Passionate [Vin Diesel in every movie]
11-13 rounds. Panther-like. [Stereotypical eastern European]
14+ rounds. Legendary [Like the baby of Michael Phelps and an angel]

The Food Pyramid Hates You

This is the food pyramid. For those of you that grew up under a rock, this is the food guide that we've learned about since grade school showing us how to eat correctly. That's great! The only tiny little bad thing about it, is that it's not designed with your actual dietary needs in mind.
Let's take a step back to the dark roots of the food pyramid for a second though.

It was first invented by, you guessed it, the Egyptians in early 4000 BC. It was made to be a device to trick their slaves into eating terrible things. Roughly translated, this pyramid says, from bottom to top:
'Dirts'
'Orange peels'
'Flat bread'
'Crocodile'
'Meat water'
'Insects'


So, as you can see, this is clearly not a correct macro nutrient ratio, especially for growing slaves that have to build giant monuments. After Ramses II (Also known as Ramses the Wicked) died, his twin brother Ramses II (also known as Ramses the Nutritionist) took power, and the food pyramid was done away with.

At certain times during history, it has been seen to rear it's ugly head, specifically during the middle ages (See Black Plague), World War II, and Harry Potter.

After that, it had it's most recent appearance in Denmark, and then was picked up in 1992 by the USDA. The United States Department of Agriculture. This is problematic on two levels. First of all, I don't need the Government telling me how to eat. They can't be trusted. (Soylent Green anyone?) And secondly, it would seem as if the USDA has a vested interest in getting us to eat certain kinds of food based on what was best for the farmers and ranchers, and not on dietary constraints. That might not be true, but it's definitely a conspiracy theory you should be aware of.

On top of that, science has shown us that a diet high in cereal grains is not a healthy way to go. If you eat somewhere in the middle of your 6-11 servings of carbs, even  with a healthy choice like whole grain bread, you're still looking at 120 cal per slice x 8 servings or 960 calories of pure carbohydrates. This might be ok if you're an elite athlete training 4hours per day, but it certainly is not alright for your average cubicle hero.

Science has come a long way from where it has been. We're almost at the end of the line with Low or No Fat diets, and we've since switched to demonizing carbs and making them the ones responsible for obesity in America, diabetes, and Rebecca Black's rise to stardom.

However, this still has yet to be reflected in society's general eating habits. Aside from the diet books and fitness magazines, there is very little change in what the FDA and the government recommends you eat daily. What change there is, is reflected in portion size, and not necessarily makeup of meals. A step in the right direction, but it doesn't cut it.

Do we need government backing to eat well? No. If the government did tell us how to eat, would we do it? Probably not. Are we as a society lazy and weak willed? Yes. Am I undeniably handsome? Absolutely.

If you can, or if you care, try to stick to a diet that's 40-45% protein 35-50% carbs, and 10-20% fats. The 50% carbs doesn't mean ice cream and wonder bread though. Stick with low amounts of cereal grains, and high amounts of veggies and legumes,


And now for two enormous bonus tips for the people that have read this far:
1) I've heard it called the "green faces" diet. It's easy. You can/should eat it if it's green and grows, or if it had a face at some point. This relegates you to eating a lot of lean meats and protein, and vegetables. Perfect. Don't eat it if it once had a face, but now is green. That's bad.
Also, eggs count.

2) 100 grams to freedom. If you're trying to cut down on weight, just restrict your carbohydrate intake to 100 grams per day. The idea is that you, being smart and efficient, will only eat the good carbs, and cut out the bad, but offers the insurance policy that even if you do eat poorly, you can only eat a small amount of bad stuff.

Try #2, let me know how soon you can see your abs.

Pectoral Jihad.

Do you want big pecs? Do you want a lot of friends? Do you want to make men envious at the beach and women halfway accepting of your overused flying-catch football pick up technique? Try this workout and feel the burn.

This method is called pre-fatigue, and is a staple in the workouts of older lifters and strong bodybuilders everywhere. The idea is that by working your muscles with a small, or assistance exercise prior to doing a big lift you'll recruit more muscle fibers for the big lift, thereby targeting that muscle more completely, and hitting both fast twitch and slow twitch muscle fibers. I've seen this done a variety of ways, and most people will lie to you about it's effectiveness. Don't be fooled. This does work, and it's great if you have an injury, or want to keep from getting one.

It's not just a bodybuilding technique for mass monsters with something to prove. This can be utilized by women and children of all ages to change their physique and grow stronger without fear of injury, especially around sensitive areas like the low back, knees, and shoulders.

Another big plus is that it increases the mind muscle connection, so that way when you're working a muscle, you won't just be moving weight around for the fun of it, and you wont be lifting the pink dumbbells just for something to do. If you can successfully master this technique, you'll be more in tune with what your body is comfortable with, and what you need to do to alter your body composition.

"But Nate" you say, "This is all well and good, but I didn't come to this site for science, I came to launch a holy war on my body during chest day!" Well, here you go.

Start your chest routine with a good warmup to get the blood moving. Always necessary. Then, when your shoulders are properly warmed up, go find that chest fly machine. If you don't have one, go grab an entire cable crossover and make EVERYONE at the gym wait for you. Take about 5 minutes between sets and insist that no one else can work on your machine while you're sitting. This is very important.

Kidding. About 90 seconds max rest.

Take the cable, and set it to a weight that you can do quite a few with. Now do 50 reps. At the end, your chest should be burning, BUT YOU SHOULD BE NOWHERE NEAR EXHAUSTION. If you are, you're doing it wrong, go back to the elliptical.

Rest a minute or two, then do it again. And again. And again. 4 sets of 50 is plenty if you're a stud. If you're just getting back into working out, 2-3 sets of 25-40 should be enough. Again, listen to your body. If it's telling you that it's revolting against your authority, and if you do another rep, it's going to stop letting you have access to your arms for a week, it would be wise to take it down a notch. If on the other hand, you aren't even feeling it after the first set, raise that weight.

Here's the most important part. That mind muscle connection all your friends are always talking about. When you do a rep, make sure to squeeze that muscle and engage it as best you can. This should make it significantly harder, and you might be humbled if you see this technique through to the end of the workout. You also will be pleased with your results if you continue to use you mind to work out instead of brute force. Yes, I'm talking you ladies.

So, when you finish with your light, but hellish first exercise, your chest should be feeling like it's been hydraulically pumped full of blood and battery acid. Still, you should not be tired, This is just your warm up. There's a difference between having a 'burn' or a 'pump' and having muscular fatigue and breakdown. It might take you a couple tries to get it right, but if you do it wrong, I promise you'll know.

Now that you're all set up for success, go grab a bench press, because I know you love benching. If you're really awesome, go grab some dumbbells and lie down on a bench and use those instead
4 sets of 8-12 should be plenty. Go light, you're in for a treat with how your chest feels. It might be kind of like this...

So, here it is again.
4 sets of 50 on light chest flies (high, low, cable, machine, etc. Mix it up)
4 sets of 12 on dumbbell Bench press.

That should be enough, but if you're really feeling masochistic and like you've got some more in you, find the closest piece of floor and try to knock out 100 pushups. If it takes you longer than 4 minutes, pick yourself up and either go home, or work your lower body. You've had enough.

Straight Off the Eastern Bloc.

Boom. This just in, from Russia with love. A great way to work out your legs, while simultaneously working on your Soviet culture. Introducing: The Bulgarian Split Squat. This is an exercise that can, and will fight you.  If you've ever had any illusions of lower body grandeur, the BSS will soon fix your mind and your body. But mostly your mind, because that's where you're broken.

Just from experience, I can tell you that it is my personal belief that this exercise has taken the form of a dragon and has not only stolen things out of my desk drawer while I wasn't home, but also chopped down a tree in my backyard, burned the ground in the shape of hammer and sickle, and then started a cult.

Here's how to do it, and a few variations of it.
 
Stand about 3 feet in front of a bench, a chair, a table, a couch, or something sturdy that is about knee level or a little higher. Start on one food, and find your balance. With the other foot, go ahead and push it back, and let it rest on the top of the item behind you. I prefer doing it with the top of my foot on the top of the object, but you can do it on your toes if you have great dorsiflexion mobility. (you can pull your foot towards your knee pretty well) Test it out, it varies based on your biomechanics.

From there, go ahead and squat down with the front leg, making sure to drive the back knee back and down, and let it bend. Don't let the front knee go over the front toe. This is bad.

Notice how in the picture, he forms a right angle with his front knee and hip.  That's good form.  Do it like that.

It's not complicated, give it a few tries on each leg. One leg will be weaker than the other. Start with that leg every time. Also, if you've never done this before, it would be prudent to start of with just your body weight. Any more, and you're in danger of feeling like someone took a mallet to your glutes while you were sleeping. But hey, if you're in a dangerous mood, go for it.

A couple notes on what this exercise is:
A great way to work your inner and outer thigh (ladies?)
A great way to work your balance
Simple
A great way to work your abs and obliques
A great way to work you glutes (read: A great way to feel like you started a chemical fire on your backside)
A great way to improve posture/burn calories/look rad at the gym/etc.

A couple notes on what this exercise is not:
A great way to have a light workout
Bench press
Elliptical machine
North American
A great way to pick up chicks (kinda hard to impress anyone with your lungs on the outside of your body)
Fun / mentally easy / hella tight

"But Nate!" you say. "I can squat my bodyweight, I'm no stranger to the gym, and I just consumed a Tyler Ells sized portion of NoExplode and F16 fuel, and my heart is going to explode if I only do bodyweight exercises!"

Great work Skippy, glad to hear it. Try one of these variations.

1) Weighted. Get a weight vest, grab some dumbbells, a kettlebell, your little sister, whatever you have available. Hold it in one hand, both hands, on your back, in front of you, etc. The possibilities are endless.
2) Increase range of motion. Stand on a box or a pile of weights. Feel that stretch in your hams, glutes and groin. Yep. That's fun.
3) Oh, you're the balance master? Probably not. Grab a set of TRX straps and put your back foot in that. Or put your back foot on a Swiss ball. Or close your eyes. n00b.
4) Got all this down? Too easy? Whatever Sven. Time to add some more Slavic influence. Introduce some German Volume Training, and see how you feel tomorrow. I'll bring you a wheelchair. 10 sets of 10 reps.  I didn't say it was smart, just German.
5) Is your cardio game locked down? Can you run for hours on end like a mystical gazelle? Pfft. Do a set, rest for a minute, do another set. Oh, did I say rest? I meant hold a push up position plank.

 

Suck it up and get it done. Talk to you later.

Your Cardio Routine is Laughable.

There was once a day in my life when I was not happy and did not have bountiful amounts of energy. This has only happened one time. Normally I not only have enough energy for myself, I have enough to power a medium sized blow dryer for up to 7 hours. On this particular day though, I was sitting at Big Box Gym Inc. (tm), minding my own business, wallowing in despair, much like a middle aged housewife who has just learned that Oprah's book club was now reading the ''Left Behind'' series.

Yea, it was a rough day.

When out of the corner of my eye, I saw something that caught my attention and piqued my interest. I turned around, and too my great delight I was greeted with a sight that caused me to break first into a chuckle, and then into a full on belly laugh causing people to stare, glass to break, and children to cry first, then rapidly mature into responsible young adults.

What I saw was a a person that I had previously offered assistance in helping to lose weight that had turned me down and insisted that they would be able to do it on their own. But that's not why I was laughing. This person was standing on the elliptical machine, where they had spent their last 45 minutes, talking on the phone at a normal rate of speech, and not sweating.

THIS was how they planned to get their summer beach body? THIS was going to get them off their high cholesterol medication? THIS was going to keep them from being obese?

I laughed and laughed, and when I was through, I went to the bathroom and threw up.

Unfortunately most people look at cardio this way. They go to the gym, find the first piece of open equipment, and spend 30 minutes there. No plan, no goal, just 30 minutes of moving their legs.

That being said, there are ways of utilizing machines effectively, but why bother? There are roughly 1 billion other things you could be doing to burn calories and get the body you want, that are simpler and way more productive.

You'll never going to get toned abs, back hips, or thighs walking on a treadmill. The calories burned walking at 3.0 miles per hour for an hour, are so minimal, that you could burn approximately the same amount by quilting for roughly an hour and 15 minutes. Is that appealing to you? Going to the gym so that you can burn as much fat as your grandmother does when she goes to play bingo and mahjong with the girls?

If you're not making an attempt to create new muscle mass to replace your fat, you're not being effective with your time. Get off the recumbent bike and do some push ups and squats. I'll even include a small cardio circuit at the end of this article for you to follow. You're welcome. Bottom line, get off the machine, and do some actual work. If you're not working to the point where you're sweating, you're not working hard enough.  "But Nate!" you say, "I am sweating on the elliptical machine!" Fine. Do what you enjoy, but at least make your time more valuable by doing intervals and hills.

A1) body weight squats
A2) lunges
A3) pushups
A4) Plank

B1) Squat Jumps
B2) Side Lunges
B3) Hands to elbows
B4) Back bridge on hands

Do each for 30 seconds, do both A and B 2 times each, Rest 2 minutes between each set. Should take exactly 14 minutes to finish all of it. If you can do the whole thing, email me, I'll give you a prize.

Sugar is Your Enemy. Destroy It.

First of all, I'm not sorry for not posting at all last week. I was extremely busy finishing my research on the effect of cocaine on the protein receptor sites of small amphibians, taming a wild stallion with my mind, and throwing out the opening pitch at the giant's game....The New York Giants. But I did have a few good ideas about new articles. When I say that, I mean that I had good ideas about things you need to change in your life to be more powerful and better looking.

First of all, you might remember that I have a vendetta against processed food, and specifically sugar, more specifically refined sugar. If you don't remember that, it's Ok. I don't remember your birthday. Sure I see it on facebook, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna write on your wall. I'm not your pawn.
However, there are those of you who at the very mention of sugar or high fructose corn syrup (HFCS), the hair on back of your neck will rise, and that's good. But today, I'll do my very best to explain why sugar makes me angry, and the consumption of such should be avoided at all cost.

First of all, the higher sugar or carbohydrate consumption that an individual partakes in, the higher their blood sugar will be. What does this mean? Well, to compensate for your elevated blood sugar levels, your pancreas has to work extra hard to secrete insulin, a hormone that is essentially a key that allows sugar in the blood to access cells and be used as energy. When your blood is saturated with sugar due to a binge or actually just eating 1/2 cup of sugar like my friend Kyle Wade, the insulin cannot keep up with the amount of blood sugar, and it becomes stored as fat, instead of being able to be burned off through activity.

Secondly, research shows that as little as 8 grams of sugar can suppress your immune system for up to 4 hours. Obviously this has a lot to do with activity level, lean body mass, weight, etc. However, the fact remains that sucrose and fructose both are immuno-suppressants. This is terrible for anyone who likes being healthy and feeling good on a daily basis.

Finally, a lot of forward thinking doctors are now classifying HFCS and sucrose as toxins. Not a category 1 toxin like drain-o or chlorine gas, but in the sense that exposure over years and years will result in diseases such as diabetes, cancer, or heart and eye disease. Diabetes is caused in part by having elevated blood sugar levels for long periods of time. Coupling this with a lack of exercise and carrying around extra fat, you're a prime candidate. Diabetes doesn't just require an insulin shot every day either. It necessitates an entire lifestyle change. Changing the times you can eat/exercise, limiting your freedom to do what you want based on your blood sugar is no way to live. Top that off with fear of kidney failure, blindness, and losing fingers and toes, you've got yourself an inconvenient disease.

Enjoy that little tidbit of knowledge next time your want some cotton candy.




Post Script
If you didn't know, I love the alarmist/extremist point of view, and I wont hear any argument that doesn't support my point. If you want unbiased, you've come to the wrong place. That being said, taking in between 25 and 60 grams of sugar per day wont hurt you if you maintain a decent activity level. Just please don't waste that on candy.

30 Minutes of Passion.

Not only is this the title to my racy new adult novella, it has a lot of practical applications in the gym as well.

How long do you work out for? If you answered; "an hour", "two hours", "15 minutes", "not at all", or "ice cream!" you're probably doing it wrong. Even if you do work out for 30-45 minutes, you're still probably doing it wrong. But guess what? Buy my DVD and in addition to receiving an hour long movie of me standing and berating you, you also get the right answer to my question and a free Tai-Bo workout VHS that I bought at a garage sale!

THAT'S AWESOME.

According to the old way of thinking, (read: bad way of thinking) each workout should take about an hour and a half to do all your warm ups, workout, cool down, and chat up the girls on the treadmill. But now, using advanced technology you can cram the same amount of work into around 40 minutes, and that's if you include a shower at the end!
That's a lie, there have not been any scientifically proven ways to hit on the treadmill bunnies more efficiently.

However, you can maximize your time at the gym and do the same amount of work, by following a few simple rules. I love rules.

1)Smart programing.
What this doesn't mean is going to the gym with a "well, maybe I'll do some bicycle today, then maybe some cables, then probably watch that Tai-bo VHS that I have at home..." attitude. That's stupid and not productive. If you or anyone you know is going to the gym without at least a rough plan, you lose.

Also, don't plan your workout poorly. If you don't know how to workout effectively, go see a professional (me), or figure out a workout that comes from a reputable source that you can do without looking like an idiot, injuring yourself, or looking like an idiot while injuring yourself. Very important. For example, a bad workout idea would be starting with curls, working in some overhead press, then ending with leg extensions. Just because you read it that it was Arnold's primary workout in "muscle and fitness" mag, doesn't mean it's good. I don't want to explain why not right now, but I might later. (oooooooh, cliffhanger!)

Another reason smart programming is important, is because you can do a lot more work in a shorter period of time if you program correctly. If you're going to do 5 sets of bench press anyways before moving into your sweet 2-0-4 tempo lat pull downs, you might as well condense them together and do double the work in the same time period. Since they're working opposing muscle groups, performance wont suffer at a muscular level. You'll burn more calories, and everything will think you're ultra smart. And for the guy that's doing the heavy squats and "couldn't possibly do anything else in between", do something low intensity like grip work or pre-hab work for your shoulders, because you're probably going to end up hurting them anyways. Band pull-aparts, wrist rollers, or just squeezing a tennis ball will help you in the long run.

Is that too hard? Then quit jawing with the guy next to you about how you "benched way more than this last week" and stretch your hip flexors.

Supersets and circuits are your new best friend.

2)Higher intensity!
This is where the passion comes in. You probably don't need as much rest as you think you do. Let's say you're doing overhead press with the pink dumbbells. You're supposed to do 3 sets of 10 reps. So you do 10, put them down, grab a drink, do 10, put them down, admire your leggings, do 10 more. Congratulations, you just wasted a bunch of my time, because I want to use those dumbbells and you're hogging them. Besides, everyone knows they look way better with my leopard print toms than your stupid Nike's

Instead of doing the 3x10 that's perscribed, why don't you just try to get to 30 total? Go until you're a rep or two shy of failure, and rest then. For a lot of women with the dumbbells, you'd be surprised at how many you can do. 20 or 30 is not uncommon. If this is the case, up the weight. You deserve it.

3) Better Exercise Selection
This goes hand in hand with smart programming. But pick 'bang for your buck' exercises. trade your calf raises for leg press, and rear deltoid flies for heavy rows. Whether this is on a machine or free weight, it's always going to be better to do exercises that use more than one joint. These are called compound movements and they should be the bread and butter of every workout you embark on. I don't care if you're 19 and athletic or 89 and decrepit. If you are in perfect health, or just had your back amputated. This is always the case.

OK. Ready for a sweet freebie?
Full body workout:

Warm-up with
10 burpees
20 push ups
50 jumping jacks

A1) Lat Pull down x 15
A2) Reverse Lunge (body weight) x 15 each leg
A3) leg swings x25 each leg

B1) Leg Press x 10-15
B2) pushups x 15
B3) Stretch hamstrings 30 sec each side

C1) Dumbbell Swings x 10
C2) Wall sit x 30 seconds
C3 Overhead push press x 8-12

Do each circuit between 1 and 3 times, depending on how awesome you are.

....And just say no to pink dumbells.

Throw Your Chairs Away.

Listen up, everyone knows that I'm full of good advice. In fact, I've even heard that I'm full of the best advice. No holds-barred, raw, relentless wisdom that attacks superstitions and wives tales like a pack of ravenous wolves attack a handicapped moose.
Oh, you believe that you're over-trained and have adrenal fatigue? Wrong. Think that carbs are bad? Wrong again. See? Busting up your paradigms is easy, and fun.

That's right, your brain is probably due for another beat down.

Sitting. You probably like it. Whether you're sitting at home, sitting at work, sitting at lunch, or sitting in bed eating flamin' hot cheetos, chances are that you sit a lot. The average Brit spends 14 hours and 39 minutes per day sitting. This is due to a shift in the average work environment, and also due to the fact that widespread depression has been slowly suffocating England ever since they got their asses kicked in the Revolutionary War (no source available).

Adding to that the fact that people sleep an average of 7 hours and 41 minutes per night, that adds up to a grand total of 22 hours and 20 minutes in a sedentary state. This leaves you with another hour and a half of day to spend using the bathroom, and looking in the freezer for ice cream.

Right now, I have a different agenda, so I won't even bother talking about people's horrible lack of activity. That's a topic for another time, and something that I'll only be able to write about after 2 redbulls.

So, back to the sitting issue. Let's say you sit only 12 hours per day, between work and home. Not including weekends, if you stood for the same amount of time, in 1 month, you would burn 14,400 calories, or about 4 extra pounds. this gives you 3600 extra calories of wiggle room. Time you could not be spending on the ellipticle, or burger splurging at '5 guys' once a week. That's big.

In addition to the calories you're not burning, you're also permanently handicapping yourself because sitting for that long and keeping your hamstrings and glutes in a locked position can cause what's called "gluteal amnesia" which is when you're biggest muscles in your body essentially turn off, and forget how they work. So, not only are you not burning calories, you're reducing your muscle's ability to burn calories in the few minutes you do spend standing or walking during the day.

On top of all that business, when you turn your glutes off, you can force your pelvis to anterior-ly rotate (rotate the top forward, making you look much like a new barbie figurine from the side)

ASIDE: Not only does barbie indoctrinate young girls into thinking that they need to have a impossible figure for men to love them, she's also now trying to make girls think that they need to have bad posture, weak glute medius and piriformis, and a rotated pelvis. This is not OK! I'm going to start selling bracelets to raise awareness...

Since you most likely don't have the waist that barbie has, an pelvis that is rotated forward will make your belly stick out, making you look like you have a bigger midsection than you actually do. Not good.

So, what's a person to do?

Stand up more, take more breaks, walk around your building, go get coffee with Ted from accounting, flirt with that girl from the front desk, etc. Find any and all excuses to be standing as much as you possible can. Men's Health says: Make fitness a lifestyle, not just a part of your day that you do when you're not tired from work.

Get a swiss ball and sit on it, it's not the fix, but it's a step in the right direction. Bottom line is, get up out of your seat. Pick your chair up and carry it downstairs. Pick it up. Toss it in your industrial grade trash compactor. Rejoice

Happy is a State of Mind

...But awesome is a state of being.
Are you awesome? Take this quiz and find out!

1) Does everyone think you're awesome?
a) Totally bro! I'm the dankest amount of chill possible
b) I wore a funny hat to a party once.
c) No, I haven't been awesome since the 80's.

2) What's the most awesome thing you've ever done?
a) I went bungee jumping off a mountain to save a bus full of cheerleaders from a MSG laden avalanche.
b) Nachos!
c) 28-2 on COD black ops.

3) What's the word/phrase you like using the most on a regular basis?
a) "Sneak Attack!"
b) "Where did you leave my chinchilla food?"
c) "Butter"


Score your quiz. If you put any combination of a's b's or c's, congratulations, you're probably not awesome and you're most likely lying to me.
Do something today that is worth talking about. Quit relying on the story you like so much about how you would have thrown the game winning touchdown if only that receiver would have been open, and it would have changed your life because you would have won state and gone straight to the NFL. That's a lame story Uncle Rico, plus, the NFL is having a lockout this year, so good luck.
Do something awesome. Post your story to comments. Or post your favorite picture. That should suffice.

FITNESS CHALLENGE

Find a piece of equipment at your gym/health club/house/garage/backyard. Anything will do. A bike, a rock, the leg press machine, a Costco sized bag of lentils, etc.
Now pick an exercise. The more joints involved in your exercise the better (read: DON'T DO CURLS) Whether it's bike around the block, lift rock overhead, lentil squats, it doesn't matter, just make it good.
Now, perform said exercise
a) as many times as you can
b) as many times as you can in 3 minutes
c) as fast as you can for 100 reps.

Once you're finished, take a 45 second break, then do it again. Get more reps, or do it faster.
It's hard, but not impossible. when your muscles are burning, try this trick. Stop thinking about the muscular stimulation as pain. It's not pain. Avoid saying "it hurts, I hate this, this sucks, I'd rather birth an 18 wheeler" etc. Instead, focus on your burn and try to think about and describe exactly what it feels like. Can't quite get it? Assign a color to your pain, don't think too hard, just whatever comes to mind in the moment. Stay there, thinking about that color, and how it relates to what you're feeling right now.
See if it changes.
Finish your reps.
Become strong and powerful
Like a lion
Made out of small robots
On steroids
In a tank.

Try Harder.

NEWSFLASH. You're probably not romantic anymore. You probably used to be, but you lost 'it'when you got rid of all your old pokemon cards (correlation?) and N'SYNC albums.

Here's how to fix that.
Open your browser.
Open this tab
http://www.rainymood.com/
Now open this one.
http://endlessvideo.com/watch?v=HMnrl0tmd3k
Now open this one
http://endlessvideo.com/watch?v=DIx3aMRDUL4
Now open wine.

Boom, transformation complete. As a famous uncle in a kind of old slightly bad superhero movie said; "With great power comes great responsibility". Only use your new powers for good.

Train with Weights, and Then You Win

I'm gonna let you in on a secret right now, it's not a fitness secret though. It's a secret about one of the easiest ways to drive me out of my mind crazy when it comes to training. This is one that I get a lot of the times from women, and less often, but still an upsetting amount, from men.

The next person that I happen to be training, that turns, and looks me in the eyes, and says sincerely that they don't want to train with weights because they'll bulk up, I'm going to snap. If I do, rest assured, you'll spend the rest of the workout doing a combination of wall taps and horse walks, which are not weight bearing exercises.

I've had women tell me that they can't do anything with weight's because they'll start looking like a football player. The only problem with that statement, is that below, is Baraka Atkins, a football player.

Also pictured below is little Timmy McTimmerson who (apparently) plays for the Cardinals. I have never seen him before on the field though, and can't find him in our roster. Oh well, hard to keep up with all this lockout nonsense going on.




The point is, no matter what a football player looked like in her mind, whether he was a hulking man-beast with biceps that had their own mouths and require a sacrifice of a goat every morning, or if her idea of a football player was 6 years old, and looked like he had a bad attitude, neither makes sense for her to compare herself too. I've seen a lot of body transformations in this business, but it would blow my mind for a full grown woman to morph into a small boy or a black man just by lifting weights. Kidding. I see that kind of stuff all the time.

That being said, it's still important for everyone to be doing loaded exercises. Everyone from the very elderly, to small children. It's a scientific fact that kids, and geriatrics have too much energy. Help them build muscle and stay active by having them move loads of bricks around your yard. Don't need anything built you say? No problem, have the kids stack the bricks in different orders or build neat things with them. Boom, exercising the body and the mind. That's what we do here.

Weight bearing movements are great for a lot of reasons. Staving off obesity, keeping you healthy (see every other article I've written), crafting your body into a glorious marble-esque tribute to the glute complex....etc. Also, it helps keep osteoperosis at bay. If you're a woman, you're already 48% more likely to develop symptoms for osteopenia or osteoperosis at some point in your life. (Caused by the breakdown of calcium in your bones, it causes bones to become weak and brittle, which can cause stress fractures, and even broken bones.) Hey women, still with me? Guess what else increases your chances of getting it? Getting older, lack of muscle mass, being white, poor diet, no exercise.

While there are some things on that list that you cannot control, the rest are up to you.

Let me address the main concern that a lot of women voice, that lifting weights will cause them to gain muscle.
This is true. You were right all along. However, (and this is the big however) simply lifting weights will not give you a bodybuilder physique. Especially a lady bodybuilder's physique. There is simply too much else that goes into a body like this:




Including a meticulous diet, hours upon hours in the gym, and drugs.
You'll gain muscle alright, but it will be the kind of muscle you want, that gives you nice curves, great arms and legs, and makes all your friends stare at your butt.... If they're good friends they will...

Also, just a quick note, what do you think burns more calories, curls with your body weight, or squats with your body weight and an extra dumbbell?

Trick question. The answer is squats.

Walkathon

So this is the part of the blog where I turn around and ask readers for money for a charity. You need to pledge to donate $250.00 for every mile I walk in 2011. Just do it, it's for a good cause. Trust me. I haven't lied to you yet.

Obviously I'm only kidding. $250 is weak. You know what's not weak though? Walking isn't. Maybe one of the most underrated types of exercise of all time, walking has been around for hundreds of years. The first evidence of human-mammalsapians donning a pair of legs and walking around is documented in a cave in Egypt that has since been destroyed by the fires of revolution. As you can see from the picture on the left, early humans had a large beak and spent most of their time swimming, which explains why the blue whale is now extinct. As humans experimented more and more with their new found foot power, various advances were made in science, including the wheel, the Hubble telescope, and hunting. All of these things increased the desire and scope of ability for the early humans, leaving them wanting more and more out of their legs. But as time went on, society developed, Starbucks began to slowly hypnotize the youth, and we slowly began to exchange our strong virulent legs for crude imitations, which appear to be crafted out of homemade play-doh.

All that history, to say that walking is an important part of human movement and mobility, and by not walking, taking the closest space at the mall, using the elevator, spending time on World of Warcraft in the evening, we forsake an easy way of staying healthy. Men and women both get a decreased risk for heart disease, depression, breast and colon cancer, osteoporosis, and the big D, diabetes. If you already suffer from one, or a few of these maladies, walking for just 3 hours per week can help reduce symptoms.

Walking at 3.5 miles per hour (a nice quick pace) can burn around 350 calories depending on weight. Just adding in 3 days per week of walking can cause you to burn an extra pound of fat per month. Either that, or it gives you the freedom to eat one linebacker sized meal at taco bell. But to each their own.

One of the most common methods of cardio done by bodybuilders and those wishing to lean down without losing a lot of muscle mass is walking for an extended period of time. Maybe you don't want to be a bodybuilder skippy, but those guys know their stuff when it comes to body composition manipulation.

In addition, walking will help with posture, and core strength as well, because you're doing what your body was meant to do in standing up straight and moving around. It's not a novel idea, but it's one that a lot of people forget about in their day to day business, taking the kids to soccer, doctor's appointments, pretending you have a black belt in the mirror...the list goes on and on.

So take it day by day, park farther away from the store when you're shopping, and carry your bags when you leave. Walk up the stairs at work, detox from the day with a walk around the block with your significant other. (bonus: improves communication and relieves relationship tension)

In conclusion, walking is good. Do it. Don't overdo it and spend all your time at the gym walking on a treadmill, it's just part of the equation, just an extra you can do in order to keep leaning out, losing fat and staying healthy.

Mind + Muscle = Money

For many people who frequent the neighborhood LA Fitness,(read the Southern and Mill LA Fitness), the sight of someone hoisting a load that is too heavy for them is commonplace. Whether one of their frat brothers is yelling in their ear "YOU GOT THIS BROZILLA!!" and lifting the barbell off their chest, or if it's the washed up old guy doing a partial rang of motion movement, slamming the weight down with vigor, and then getting up and glaring at everyone else as if we were all responsible for killing his childhood pet with a flamethrower. Every so often I also see someone wildly gesticulating out of the corner of my eye, and I think, "wow, I must help that person, because I know CPR, and it appears that they are drowning." I quickly remember that their is no water to speak of near the dumbbell rack, and this person is just doing some form of heavy curls meets jazzercise. Jazzercurls. There's an article in Men's Health about it I think...

When I see these things, I swallow my hatred (it has about 80 calories) and move on, but not before thinking that I would love to sit these fellows down and teach them a good lesson about the mind muscle connection.

One of the most overlooked and important parts of lifting weights is establishing a link between the movement you're doing and the muscle you're working. This does a variety of things. First of all, it helps ensure that your form is correct, which is a big deal, but only if you're interested in being fit, strong, and staying healthy. Secondly, it helps more directly target that muscle, which increases the activation of the muscle fibers, and increases blood flow to the area, which helps with the healing process after the workout.

Now, how to do it. Get down on the floor and lay on your back. Bring your feet up and plant them near your butt. Put your hands behind your head, and do a crunch. Feel good? Do 9 more.
When you get done, take a second before you do another set. For you second set, get down in the same position, dig your heels into the floor to take your legs out of the picture, and squeeze your abs. Squeeze them like you think I'm hiding in your closet, and at any minute I could jump out and hit you in the gut. Got it? Now that you're squeezing hard, repeat those 10 crunches, and concentrate on how your abs are pulling the entire time.

There should be a distinct difference in how your abs feel at the end of this 10. Unless you're some kind of super stud and in that case, do 100 crunches. It's really easy and self explanatory, but it's something a lot of people gloss over in their training. Want toned legs? Think about them and squeeze during your lunges. Toned butt? Do the same when you're squatting. It's easy to get lazy and just push through the movement, but if you do that, you're no better than the guy with a face tattoo who's singing "Black and Yellow" and benching with his homies. Think about that.

Your muscle has no idea how much weight you're lifting, and it doesn't care. That's why you see some guys who are ripped off of nothing but bodyweight exercises, and how someone else can bench their weight but have no visible muscles at all. Also diet is a teeny tiny factor, but that's a different article.Channel Bruce Lee while you're exercising, and you'll never go wrong.

Fast Food News

Since labeling them "Natural" and "With Sea Salt", Wendy's fries sales are up 17%.

Have Back Pain? Thinking About Getting Some?

For those of you who are among the 100% of Americans (false statistic) with some sort of low back pain, sciatica, hip tension, office job, or no real flexibility regimen, you should keep reading. Not only that, but you should bookmark this page, take a screenshot and save it as your computer background, suggest it to your friends and family, and print out 1000 copies at kinkos and leave them at restaurants as a tip. Servers love that kind of thing.

USATODAY says that 8 out of 10 Americans will deal with some sort of back pain in their lifetime. (source) Due to this 80% statistic, Americans pay out almost 25 BILLION dollars every year for medical expenses and drugs to help alleviate the pain. Another 25 billion is spent on worker compensation for time lost due to surgery and/or time out of work. I know time off is great, but it gets hard to enjoy even incredible quality programing like "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" when you've seen the episode 17 times already and your recliner is covered in cheez-it crumbs. Not to mention that your whole family is really not impressed with your "my back hurts, and therefore I can't take out the trash/bring you to cheer practice/stop drinking heavily"

If only you had heard the phrase "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure" sooner! If only you had this blog as your home page! If only you had asked that cheerleader to prom back in '81! Well, too bad, you didn't, and now look where your life has taken you.

But, I'm here to tell you that if you have not had your lifetime dose of recommended back pain, if you're here to learn from the mistakes of others and accept my perfect guiding wisdom with a smile, than I will gladly impart upon you dear readers, the tricks, nay, the skills that it takes to save yourself a lifetime of pain, disappointment and two and a half men reruns.

The two biggest muscular issues that I see that deal with low back pain are tight hip flexors, and a tight glute complex. The hip flexors are an interesting muscle group because they tie in at your back, to your thoracic spine, and then attach at the front of your body at the pelvis. So stretching, strengthening, or otherwise thinking about these muscles is not something that the average gym rat does, let alone the non-fitness minded person. They don't even have a machine at the gym that targets these elusive creatures! (But they do have 97 machines for working the small head of your biceps).

If you've ever experienced a pinching or tightness in the front of your hip, if you've ever felt your hip joint "pop" or "crack" of if you find yourself sitting for a long period of time during the day, this is for you. Take 30 seconds on each side, and lean into the stretch without your front knee going too far over your toe. Leg warmers will DEFINITELY help the effectiveness of this one. You don't need to extend your arms over your head like shown here, simply at your side or on your hips would be just fine. 3x a day, in between long lethargic periods, or while at your desk. Or on top of your desk. Especially if you've got leg warmers.

The second problematic area is the glute complex. This amalgamation of different muscles can get tight for various reasons; swinging a golf club, standing with most of the weight on one foot, getting out of your car wrong etc. Mine sometimes even tighten up spontaneously when I say the word 'Jumanji'. So, there's just not telling what kind of harm you've been doing to your body when your perform your pre-shower ritual of standing on one foot, repeating all the lyrics to Kid Rock's "Bawitaba" and cleaning your ears.

Good news though. Here's how you prevent this from causing problems.
Lay on the ground with your knees up and your feet on the ground close to your butt. Take your right leg and put your right ankle over your left knee. Take both hands and grab your left knee now, and pull it in towards your chest. You should start feeling a good stretch in the butt region. 30 seconds on each side, then switch.

Do both of these a few times per day for 30 seconds. If you don't, you'll most likely be walking around one day, thinking to yourself "wow, I'm too awesome for stretching" when all of the sudden, your legs will both fall off, and you'll need massive reconstructive surgery, and end up getting metal rods realigning your spine and have an ultra sweet scar on your back. So I guess at the end of the day it wouldn't even be that bad.